[PSL] The New Day

[terribletwos]

So much had been going on since Roxas' return that he barely had time to process much of it. Between the final battle with Xehanort, the reunion with the Twilight Town Trio, the surprise trip to Destiny Islands and the general overwhelming and nearly unfathomable reality of his friends' presence, he'd been mostly operating on auto-pilot. Any sense of reflexion he might have otherwise squeezed in was all but pushed aside by Sora's sudden disappearance and the sense of unease and disorientation that followed. The lack of wholeness after months of being completely connected to another person, another self. It left him feeling lost in his own new Replica body and weighed down by a sense of loneliness, despite the abundance of friends, old and new, constantly around him.

Maybe that's why he decided against his typical refuge of the clock tower and instead found his way to the old mansion. Namine was no longer there of course, having taken up Riku's offer to spend some time at Destiny Islands, creating real memories to replace the ones she had invented for herself and Sora's friends. She had told him as much when she temporarily turned down his request to join everyone in Twilight Town. Unlike him and Xion, Twilight Town had never really been a home for Namine, just a place of false memory and regret.

Roxas delays stepping into the mansion, first glancing up at the window where he first got his glimpse of Namine, recalling everything that came after it. All of it eventually culminating in DiZ, no, Ansem summoning him here, where everything was supposed to end. And it would have, if not for Sora. The thought of his Other brings his hand to his chest, feeling the impossible heart beating there.

How is he supposed to explain this feeling of total disconnect to his friends? Even Xion wouldn't completely understand, having never been a true Nobody. Ventus might, but he's catching up with his own friends. And Namine still had Kairi at least.

He breathes out a heavy sigh, as he reaches to pull open the mansion door.

Comments

[hollabastiongirl]

Axel, on the other hand, had had far too much time for introspection. Self-reflection had never truly been his style as Lea or otherwise, but these days he couldn’t seem to keep his mind blank in the way that he used to. Instead it was constantly full, a chaotic tangle of thoughts that often led nowhere when he followed down an individual line.

Who was he now? Axel, Lea? What was he supposed to do as a human? Could the things he’d done be forgiven? Could Xion forgive him? Could Roxas? Did he forgive Isa? Could he? What would happen to all of them now?

Around and around it went, these unanswered questions circling around his mind like a vicious loop.

After he’d regained his humanity he hadn’t had much time to dwell, what with playing the last-minute hero and then training with Kairi, leading to the final confrontation with the Real Organization Xlll. There’d been a moment on Destiny Islands where Axel had thought maybe things would be okay, but after Kairi returned and Sora faded to nothing, so did any hope for normalcy. No one was the same without him, especially Roxas.

Now Kairi was busy, spending her time lost in a dream looking for Sora. Axel and the group of his closest had relocated to Twilight Town, but the air between all of them was stiff and uncomfortable, the trauma from all that had happened finally catching up with them. Axel wasn’t immune to it, as much as he’d like to think he was. His years as a Nobody haunted his waking moments, and in his dreams he was plagued by visions of a fight in the rain, clashing weapons with Roxas again and again until his arms were shaking too hard to lift his chakrams. Xion watched on from the sidelines impassively, the water dripping down her face in twin streams like tears.

Tears, Axel is remembering, are unpleasantly salty. As he stands in the foyer of the Mansion in Twilight Town, a few escape from the corner of his eyes, wetting his lips. He licks them away, frowning. He doesn’t understand why he’s here. This Mansion holds nothing but bad memories; a real battle between him and his best friend, back when Roxas barely remembered who they were to each other. The thought aches.

And then he hears someone at the doors, pushing them open. Axel starts and quickly wipes at his face with his sleeve, slipping on a mask of careful blankness that he doesn’t truly feel. He hasn’t felt blank in such a long time, he almost misses it. Easier that way.

[terribletwos]

Roxas starts at the unexpected sight of Axel. He'd expected him to be catching up with Saix or at least the person Saix was before he became Saix. Even after learning how Axel had returned to his human self after his sacrifice, Roxas had still been shocked to see Saix in Twilight Town not long after their arrival. His feelings on the former Nobody remain unsettled (so much hurt and anger but mixed with gratitude for the role Saix played in his return and with the basic understanding of the bond between Saix and Axel), which is why he preferred to allow Axel private time for their reunion.

He hadn't been ready for Axel to be drawn to the same place as him. Or maybe it was somehow appropriate, that his lost self would find Axel in the same place that Roxas had found his true self. The place where everything had returned to him. His memories, their friendship, their parting. Amid all of the other chaos, he's only now just recalling those things. The tumultuous emotions of those days.

Axel's current expression brings it all back like the blow of a Keyblade to his chest. Though there's something else beyond that blank gaze. Roxas knows Axel too well now to miss it, even if he can't quite make it out.

The words fall out of him slower than he expects. "Axel. What are you doing here?"

[hollabastiongirl]

The laugh Axel goes for doesn’t sound as carefree as he’d hoped, being under the scrutiny of those wide, blue eyes throwing him off kilter. The thought strikes him again like a bolt of Thundaga—he doesn’t know how to act around Roxas anymore. Or anyone, for that matter. He’s been avoiding them all, mostly. Isa, Roxas, Xion. They all have their own demons and their own pain, and while Axel wants to be there for them, he’s never been any good at comfort. His strength lies in deflection, which is what he does now. When in doubt, deflect.

“Oh, you know,” he says breezily, hand reaching up to scratch at the back of his head in a nervous gesture that’s both familiar and foreign, a habit he’d picked up during his time as a Nobody. “I wanted to see the damage for myself.”

It isn’t a complete lie, though the words still taste sour on his tongue. The cycle of thoughts begins again. Why am I here? Who am I?

“Isa mentioned maybe wanting to fix the place up, make it livable. Would be cheaper than renting a place in town, and he’s not one for being around a lot of people anyway.” Axel pauses, studying Roxas face curiously. He’s been so quiet ever since Sora disappeared, and between that and the fact that Axel has been avoiding him, it’s almost strange to hear his voice. “Uh, what about you? What brings you out this way?”

[terribletwos]

The gesture should reassure Roxas. It's the same dopey when he's caught without a quick answer. Just seeing it after their battle in the Keyblade Graveyard had brought so much relief, joy and nostalgia to Roxas, all captured in his soft smile.

But now the movement only makes Roxas more uncertain. What does Axel have to be awkward about now? Or is this caginess? Something he remembers all too well from their past. It hadn't been as present lately, not with the flurry of activity or their odd distance. But something was clearly putting Axel on edge.

"Damage?" he questions, raising a brow.

At the mention of Isa, he feels that tangle of emotions rising in him again. It's not that he doesn't want him around. (Well, maybe it is, but he knows that would make Axel just as sad if either him or Xion weren't around.) He pushes the feeling away again, not having the emotional capacity to deal with it and his new confusion about Axel right now.

Roxas runs a hand through his hair. "I don't know. I guess I just didn't feel like hanging out at the clock tower today. This seemed like a good place to think."

His voice sounds tired, as if he wasn't planning on using it today. Maybe he wasn't. Isn't that why he had come to what most people in the town considered a haunted building?

"I thought you and Sai—er, Isa were doing things today." It's still hard to catch himself sometimes, to remember that Saix wasn't that person anymore.

Just like Axel technically wasn't Axel anymore either. Though Lea was still too much of a stranger. Axel, even when he was being unreadable like that, was still more comfortable. The one Roxas had forged his bond with. The shared symbol in their name. Lea felt... far away.

[hollabastiongirl]

“Er, yeah. Bit dilapidated, don’t you think?” Axel makes a vague, sweeping gesture with his hands to indicate the state of the Mansion surrounding them, the wallpaper yellowed and peeling. The glass doors behind him were blown out long ago, glistening shards of glass and other debris scattered across the tile floor of the foyer. He’d taken a quick look in the rooms, too. They aren’t in the best shape either, and will need major overhaul for any of them to live comfortably in. Not to mention actual furniture.

It strikes him as almost funny, suddenly. This Mansion could easily be a metaphor for their friendships, worn by the passage of time and mistreatment. Nothing is the same, and like this big, empty house, will need a lot of time and care to fix. Axel sighs. Sounds exhausting.

Blinking, he tunes back in when he realizes Roxas is speaking again. He definitely understands the idea of wanting a quiet place to think, but the next thing Roxas says catches him off guard.

“Oh?” Had he mentioned having plans with Isa today? He can’t remember. It would have been a lie, anyway. He should probably stop doing that so much. Isn’t any way to save a friendship, after all. Lies. “I saw him this morning for breakfast, but he’s at the community college today, trying to enroll.” Trying to make something of himself now that he had a second chance at a real life. Axel should take notes. “What about Xion? I thought you’d be with her.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas follows the trail of Axel's motions, taking in the building's condition. It's true that the mansion has seen better days. The computer room was still functional, according to his shared memories with Sora. But nobody would really bother with anything else. It's not like this place means anything to them, beyond a Wonder of Twilight Town.

Not like what it means to Roxas. But he's also just fine letting it slip into disrepair. It represented much of what he wanted to forget about his time in Twilight Town. Save...

He turns back to Axel. College? Would Axel go to college now? The gang hadn't brought up school to him and Xion yet, but it's been in the back of his mind with his other memories of Twilight Town. Isn't that what humans did? Go to school? Part of him bucks at the idea. If Axel went to college, and he and Xion went to school, wouldn't that mean less time together? Not that they're spending that much time together right now.

"I told her to go with Hayner and the others today. She still hasn't fully explored this place." Not that way Roxas had in the other Twilight Town at least. "I don't want her to keep worrying about me." Xion hadn't missed how heavily Sora's absence weighed on her best friend, and she couldn't help doing everything she could to reassure him. Unfortunately, none of them were all that experienced in comforting other people.

He takes a deep breath and looks away. "I just didn't expect it to be this... hard." All he'd ever wanted was to be his own person, and now that he finally has that, where is he even supposed to begin?

[hollabastiongirl]

Axel doesn’t particularly care about this place, either. It’s one place of many that he’d sooner set on fire than spend an extended amount of time in. When Isa had mentioned living in the Mansion of all places, at least the two of them but maybe Roxas and Xion, too, Axel’s stomach had twisted violently. The thought of the four of them living together under this sagging roof had made him sick. It still does as he thinks on it again, watching Roxas take in their surroundings. Noticing the flash of unnameable emotions in his eyes, the memories replaying beyond their depths. Roxas would never live here.

No, Axel thinks. Not here. Not ever. Maybe I should burn it down, after all.

And he seriously wants to, seeing the way Roxas crumples in on himself as he talks about Xion’s worry. About how hard this new life is, though it had been what he’d wanted most of all. Axel wants to set the whole Mansion ablaze and watch it burn, almost as much as he wants to reach out and pull Roxas into his arms. He does neither. He’s frozen, an expression of uncertainty twisting his face. He doesn’t know how to do this; how to be human. He doesn’t even know how to comfort his best friend.

Some new life this is. ‘New life, new me.’ What a joke.

“Yeah,” Axel finally says softly, after the silence between them has gone on a moment too long. Too litte, too late. Story of my life. “I know the feeling. I don’t remember it being this way, before…well, you know.” Before he lost his heart. Before he met Roxas and slowly found it again. “But…it’s gotta get better, right? ‘Time heals all wounds,’ or ‘it’s only up from here.’ Humans have lots of sayings like that. Maybe it’s hard for everyone. Life.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas starts to turn back at Axel's voice, his eyes slowly widening at Axel admits to his own doubts. It's a new feeling, hearing that unsteadiness in Axel's tone. Axel's always been so confident, and when he wasn't confident, he was secretive, keeping that part of himself hidden from Roxas, just as he kept the memories of his human life behind an insurmountable wall. Roxas had never pushed back then, respecting that this was just the way Axel was, allowing Axel to distract him from that deeper dive with brash proclamations or jokes.

This unexpected access is very new. And it snags Roxas within his storm of dissociation, yanking him into the reality of now. Of everything around him. It's frightening but also less suffocating than before. Warmer somehow.

He feels like he's really seeing Axel for the first time since that moment in the Graveyard, when Axel looked at him with pure, unmasked happiness. This is why Axel had come here. The same reason as Roxas. They were both lost. Maybe that realization should have made things worse, but it felt strangely good to know this feeling wasn't completely alien.

He gives a soft huff of laughter. "You know, I used to think you had all the answers. I think I like it better knowing you don't." He steps closer and holds out his hand. "That means we can actually figure things out together for once." Instead of Axel always deciding for everyone else.

[hollabastiongirl]

Axel’s pinched face drops into an expression of bewilderment, Roxas’s reaction to his clumsy attempt at comfort unexpectedly positive. His whole demeanor seems to have changed, from the distant, reserved Roxas he’d been recently to the Roxas that Axel knew from their later Organization days; bright-eyed and quick to offer a laugh, especially if it was at Axel’s expense. Not in a cruel way, but in a way Axel liked—an amicable way that said they were comfortable enough to tease each other; best friends.

His breath catches in his lungs for a just a moment, the intensity of the feelings bursting in his chest strangling him. He realizes all at once how stupid he’s been, avoiding Roxas all this time when before all he’d wanted was to see him again. To be close to him. He’d almost ruined Sora’s life over it. Kairi’s, too. He would have happily burned any bridge he could to get him back.

Idiot, Axel chides himself. You promised you’d always be there to bring them back, and where have you been? Anywhere but where you needed to be.

It’s scary. He’s not used to this constant uncertainty, or letting people past the walls he built when he lost his heart and his home and everything else. But as Roxas reaches out to him, saying they can figure things out together, Axel knows he has to just get over it already. Life is what you make it, right? His grin is involuntarily as he reaches back, closing the space between them by taking Roxas’s offered hand.

“Right. Together. I’ve got it memorized.”

And then a new thought comes to him: had he ever held Roxas’s hand before? It stirs something in his chest, a fluttering of butterfly wings against the cage of his ribs. Unsure if he likes it, Axel gives the hand in his a gentle squeeze before he pulls away, thankful that the sensation fades when the connection is severed. He’ll have to mull it over later.

For now, he says, “any chance you’d wanna grab some ice cream? I’m ready to blow this joint.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas doesn't know why he offered out his hand just now. It just felt right. Or maybe he just wanted to make sure the person seemingly opening up to him for the first time was actually there.

He all but grins at the flabbergasted look on Axel's face. Genuinely surprising Axel has always been a rarity, given how much Axel knew about the world compared to him. So Roxas has always felt a sense of accomplishment whenever he managed it. (Outside of the times it came from a place of anger or other darker emotion.)

That barely formed grin, pushed forward by the comfort of Axel's customary catch phrase, shifts into one of subdued surprise as Axel takes his hand. The warmth, no longer blocked by familiar leather gloves, rushes over him like a sudden Cure spell, so different from the fist-to-fist exchanges he remembers with Hayner.

But before he has time to parse the new sensation, it's gone and Axel is pulling back. He has to stop himself from reaching for that hand again, wanting to know if the intensity has to do with his new Replica body or is just the effect of being almost human.

It's only Axel's next words that stay his own hand. As much as the thought of ice cream sets his heart to racing, as it always does due to the memories associated with it (some of his best), the request brings back some of his initial wariness. Ice cream had always been two things for them. An escape and a deflection. Roxas is done with both for now, not when he's finally reached the real Axel.

He looks up at Axel. "Maybe later. I wanted to look around a bit. I never got to see much of the real one. Not with my own eyes anyway."

Roxas pauses, considering his words. He doesn't want Axel to think he's rejecting him after all that. He just doesn't want to lose his chance to sort some things out for himself. "You're trying to figure out how much work it will take to make it a home, right? We could do both at the same time. Like when we used to combine our missions." Their desperate attempts to spend as much time together as possible, despite constantly wanting to split them up. Probably because he knew Axel would interfere with his plans.

He hopes the memory is enough to reassure Axel that he doesn't actually want him to leave. At the very least, Axel would be able to see through the flimsy excuse for delaying ice cream.

[hollabastiongirl]

“Oh, okay,” Axel says as Roxas refuses the offer of ice cream. The rejection stings a little, but he’s not going to make a fuss about it. Not when he feels like the two of them finally got past the awkward tension that’d been plaguing them since resettling in Twilight Town. He wasn’t gonna rock a freshly-patched boat, or whatever the idiom was.

Just as he’s about to say he’d leave him to his exploring, though, Roxas surprises him again. Suggests combining their objectives, just like old times.

Axel pauses, mouth partially open. He wonders briefly if he should mention that he has no actual intention of moving in here before he decides that’s not the point anyway, and shuts his big mouth with a grin before he has to put his foot in it. Roxas had once again sweetly reached out, and Axel is sure as hell gonna reach back. No way he’d leave him hanging.

“Sure,” he says agreeably, swinging out an arm in a sweeping gesture to indicate that Roxas lead. He’s already poked around himself, after all, but Roxas doesn’t need to know that. “After you.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas gives a relieved smile at Axel's response. He managed to do this without completely bungling everything so far. Pretty good when he's still kind of unsteady about how to navigate this newest stage of their friendship, one where neither of them really knew what to expect next. It's scary but also kind of exciting to be truly on the same level for once.

"Right." He starts toward the stairs, remembering where Namine's room had been. "I wasn't sure how much time you had to check things out before I got here. And this gives us a chance to catch up too." He tries to make the second part sound natural but it probably comes across with a forced sense of casualness, a play at ignoring the tightness in his chest as he thinks of just how much has passed between them since their relaxed days on the clock tower. "I guess we haven't really talked since... that day."

Sora. As usual, everything began and ended with him. Why should his sudden disappearance be any different?

But this time, it couldn't be like that. Roxas had to find his own way now. And it started with figuring out his first and closest friendship, the one that had all but shaped him into who he was now. Maybe if he could sort out that, his sense of self would be strong enough to live with this aching hole inside him. Maybe he could try actually tackling this thing called life instead of settling for just existing again. And maybe both of them could stop feeling so overwhelmed by their second chance.

[hollabastiongirl]

That smile. Axel has to force himself not to freeze, heart skipping in his chest unexpectedly with a pang of…something he can’t identify. Huh. Weird.

He shakes it off easily enough, putting the strange feelings he’s been having out of his mind as he follows Roxas up the stairs. Roxas is saying something, and when Axel tunes in he almost wishes he hadn’t. It’s probably not meant to be a jab at him, but it jabs him painfully all the same, Axel wincing as he thinks of all the time he’s wasted recently going out of his way to avoid Roxas and everyone else. It hasn’t been fair to any of them, but especially Roxas, who’s been struggling the most with Sora fading away. He can’t even talk about it yet—not directly.

“Yeah,” Axel mumbles, awkward again as they reach the door of the White Room. Axel reaches for the handle and twists it, shoving the door open with what is probably more force than necessary. It swings wide, revealing the area that Axel likes probably the least in this whole stupid place—stark white everything, walls covered in cartoonishly colorful drawings done in crayon. Namine’s room.

It reminds him of losing Roxas. Well, losing the rest of Roxas, not just the Roxas he knew from the Organization.

As he wanders slowly into the room, Axel’s eyes sweeping over each individual rendering taped to the walls, one drawing in particular stops him short. It’s a scene he’s intimately familiar with, having gone over the memory again and again in his head: a Dark City that always smelled like a storm whether it was raining or not; the dull ache of pain in his chest from a newly found heart broken; the stinging in his eyes as he watched Roxas walk away from him, turn his back on him, to disappear into a dark corridor. Then, the next thing Axel knew, Roxas didn’t know him anymore. The Roxas who did was gone.

”No one would miss me.”

“…that's not true! I would…”

With a start Axel comes back to the present, glancing over at the real face of his best friend, not the childlike scribble on the wall. He wonders if Roxas remembers that day as well as he does. Probably not.

“Huh,” he says casually, making a show of looking at other pictures, too. “Namine’s really something. You know she’s not just Kairi’s Nobody? She’s a little bit Sora’s, too. That’s what DiZ said, why she could mess with his memories. And everyone close to him. Powerful kid.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas barely catches that wince, but it's enough to alert him to his mistake. He hadn't meant to make Axel think that he'd been responsible for the present breakdown in their communication. Even if Axel had some culpability, given that he hadn't exactly tried reaching out when Roxas started to shut down in the wake of Sora's absence, Roxas couldn't blame him for it.

Axel had never sought him out when he was in one of his moods, even before. Nor did Roxas expect it. Any reassurance usually occurred organically amid their clock tower musings or not at all. In fact, the only time that Roxas had turned to Axel for some kind of grounding had basically shattered their relationship, when Axel had denied it. No, Roxas hadn't expected Axel to seek him out.

Which meant it had been mainly Roxas' decision to avoid talking about anything. Mostly because he didn't know how or even where to start. How do you explain to someone what's it's like to feel like half your heart is missing? That it was easier when you still believed that you had no heart to worry about? It almost felt ungrateful after everything everyone had done for him.

But that wince drives in the sharp realization that Roxas wasn't the only one hurting. Axel had hoped he'd finally gotten his friends back, only to watch one slowly slip away again.

Roxas had felt so alive in those initial moments, hugging his friends and feeling the stark reality of tears running down his cheeks. It had been perfect. He'd been happy. Just like those days before all their secrets were laid bare. And here he was jeopardizing it because he didn't know how to cope with loss, he never learned. Back in the Organization, he had denied it with everything inside him and now he simply hid from it.

He finds himself stepping closer to Axel, as they reach Namine's door, his shoulder brushing against him. A reminder that despite the last several days, he's still here. Axel isn't the last man standing anymore.

When the door opens, flooding his vision with Naminé's messy drawings, he feels his throat tighten and he reaches for the doorframe to steady himself. This place. It had once held the key to his memories. Not Sora's. His. The first time inklings of his time with Organization, with Axel, had come back to him. The first time he realized he had a life beyond the dreams of another.

He almost misses what Axel says, until his vision clears enough for him to recognize the picture Axel is studying. Yeah, he remembers. That all consuming frustration and rage at being kept in the dark for so long, at knowing even his best friend refused to give him what he desperately needed. That gnawing yearning for something that explained him. The way he had shut out those pained pleas behind him, telling himself that he couldn't trust them, that he couldn't trust anyone anymore, especially Axel. That it wasn't worth it when everyone just seemed to use him. And the thought of Axel doing it too was something he just couldn't allow himself to think about. It was easier just to not think about Axel at all.

Roxas moves toward the drawing, as if tugged by an invisible force, setting a hand on the edge. "Yeah, she's something..." Wait, what was that Axel had said? Naminé was part Sora too? Like him?

He snaps his head back to Axel. "A little bit Sora's? How do you know that?" He turns back to the drawing, rolling some things over in his mind, only this time they weren't just in his mind as the words flow, unbidden. "Naminé knew about us. She's the one that reminded me that we were friends. She never explained that." And they hadn't really taken up Naminé's original offer to tell him everything once they were reunited. Again, too much else on their minds.

His gaze returns to Axel, almost piercing in a way that wasn't too different from that time. "Did you know each other back then?"

[hollabastiongirl]

When Roxas’s head whips his way, Axel knows he’s fucked up. His own eyes widen when he notices the edge of steel in those baby blues of his, a shudder going down his spine. Damn it. They’ve been doing so well.

Just moments before Roxas had brushed against his side companionably as they passed through the threshold of this stupid white room, a gentle but physical reminder of his presence. Just moments before Roxas hadn’t been looking at him this way, eyes flashing like bait in the water, Axel the fish he’s meaning to catch. Probably in a lie. What is he expecting, exactly? How much does he want to know? Everything?

Axel’s trying not to panic, eyes wide and body stiff. He’s not used to such direct questions, and he’s certainly not used to answering directly. Not with anyone really, but especially not with Roxas.

They’d danced around each other for months during their Organization days, never truly diving below the surface level of friendship. It was safe up there, the waters calm. Destiny Islands on a sunny day, sun and sand and smiles. Not a worry in sight. Axel had wanted it that way. He wonders if he stills does. If he can be close to Roxas and keep their heads above water at the same time, swimming in the shallow end. Never going under.

Because below the surface, it’s murky and dark, black like the pits of the Dark Realm. Axel isn’t sure what lurks down there. He’d almost prefer to never find out. It’s terrifying. Risky. A gamble, and while he’d never shied away from one before, there’s never been more at stake. What if Roxas doesn’t like him below the surface? What if Axel opens up and Roxas takes one look at what’s on offer and walks away?

Axel doesn’t even know who he is anymore. In theory he’s a complete person, but he feels more like a patchwork monster, bits and pieces of Lea sewed into whatever was left of Axel after he’d died. Both and neither, all at the same time.

Would he like the real me? Whoever that is? Would I?

Except he doesn’t have a choice, right now. Not much of one. It’s either take the dive and tell the truth, or fuck everything up again. Ruin the little progress they’ve made so far. Give Roxas a reason to look at him with mistrust in his eyes again, like he had before. Axel doesn’t want that.

So he swallows down the lump in his throat and says, “we knew each other before that, actually. You remember that special, secret mission I went on with the others? The one where you’d thought I’d been eliminated. That was when we met. At Castle Oblivion.”

[terribletwos]

Just seeing Axel's trapped reaction stirs up the uglier emotions within Roxas, his hand reflexively forming a fist at his side. For a moment, he considers telling Axel to forget it. Was there even a point if they were just going to be right back where they started? Is Axel that adverse to the truth even now? Even about something that's not about Roxas?

Or maybe it still was. Naminé had implied that she had done something to Sora's memories, which is how they had ended up in Roxas in the first place. If Axel was involved in that first part, it would definitely explain his panicked response.

He isn't sure how to feel about that. Obviously Sora meant so much to him now, but he's long realized what the Organization was doing was wrong. His time trapped in a false persona had at least granted him that clarity due to his perceived distance from his old group. But they'd all been so broken back then (believing they were creatures with no heart or emotion), right and wrong barely factored into the equation. Like Naminé had said, they were people trying to become whole again.

But before he has time to consider all the implications of Axel's likely involvement, Axel manages to shake off his aversion long enough to force some words out, and it's Roxas that goes still this time, his wide eyes impossibly bright. Axel had finally stopped hiding.

The intensity slowly ebbs from Roxas' gaze, his fingers loosening. He feels something twist inside him, suddenly incredibly angry with himself for his impulsive reaction. Why was he still this bitter, enough to so readily assume that his best friend would lie to him again? He wants to trust Axel. He wants to go back to that time when he considered Axel his closest confidant, that he could tell him anything. Why did everything have to be so complicated now?

Guilt momentarily overtakes that searching look, forcing him to look away. "So that's what you were doing. Helping her mess with Sora." There's no heat behind the words, just a painfully tight tone.

Those days had been the worst. Their friendship had been so new, a lifeline for someone still sorting out his place in the world. And suddenly... it was gone. He has to fight back the burning in his eyes, as the word "eliminated" resonates in his mind over and over again. It had hurt so much then, and he didn't even understand why.

But Axel being thought to be eliminated at Castle Oblivion means something else now...

"Did you fight him?" His tone shakes, still partially caught up in memory.

Except for the only bit of Sora's memories that he wouldn't have access to. That brief time when they were completely separated. That must have been Castle Oblivion.

[hollabastiongirl]

Axel watches with breath caught in his throat as Roxas takes an impressive emotional journey right before his very eyes. He makes a game of seeing how many feelings he can name as they come and go, so much more expressive on Roxas’s face than his own: anger; resentment; bitterness; guilt; sadness; hurt; maybe a flash of fear? Nothing good, is the point. Nothing Axel wants to see or be the cause of. He feels sick again, stomach tied up in knots. This whole conversation has been derailed so far off track, taken down a road he isn’t sure he ever really wanted to go with Roxas.

When he said ‘catching up,’ this definitely isn’t what I had in mind.

But that’s just it, isn’t it? It isn’t just about what he wants anymore. He needs to stop thinking so selfishly, consider other people’s feelings more now that he understands feelings again. Roxas is struggling, and a part of that struggle is Axel’s fault. He’s kept things from him all along, and it’s only hurt him. Had he just told him everything from the beginning, how different would things have turned out? Axel will never know. It’s just be one more regret to add to the pretty little pile he has going.

As Roxas asks a shaky question about Sora, Axel sighs. He’s been silent this whole time, trying to let Roxas work through his feelings, but now is clearly the time to speak up.

“It’s complicated,” he says, reaching over to gently take Roxas by the arm and lead him over to the long white table in the center of the room, ushering him into a chair. Axel drags the chair from the other end of the table close to Roxas, settling down in it. They should be sitting down for this. “Xemnas set up teams in the Castle for researching memory. I eventually joined as part of the upstairs team, run by Marluxia, while Vexen and Zexion did their freaky science experiments down below. Truthfully though, my post there was to keep an eye on them. Some of them were suspected traitors and I was the spy.”

He lets loose a dark chuckle, some of the coldness from those days coming back to his eyes as he glances at the drawing of Castle Oblivion taped to the wall.

“Number 8, Axel. The Assassin.” That’s what he’d been. He isn’t that now. “Anyway, Namine showed up there one day. Xemnas put her in Marluxia’s so-called care and gave him free rule of the Castle, ‘entrusting’ it to him. What a joke. It was obviously a trap.” Marluxia’s hair had been brighter than him. “He lured Sora to the castle, hoping to use him to stage a coup and take over the Organization. That’s where Namine came in. And yes, I fought him. I played along with what Marluxia wanted, until I didn’t. I’m the one who killed Vexen. I had a heavy hand in Zexion’s death, too. If Sora and Riku hadn’t done the others in for me, I probably would have killed them, too.”

It hadn’t mattered at the time. Axel was only just beginning to feel things again, too soon yet to second guess himself. But now, he feels the hot ache of guilt in his chest, his jaw clenched tight. As it turns out, Ienzo and Even aren’t so bad, after all. Aeleus either. Oops.

“And that’s about it, I guess. If it matters…I liked Sora. I didn’t go there to hurt him. I just wanted to meet him.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas allows himself to be guided to the table, still half in a daze from Axel's prior confession. He recalls the last time he sat here, staring at Naminé (was that even the real Naminé? it's hard to know for sure anymore) from across the other side, listening to her tell him he wasn't supposed to exist. The feeling of Axel seated beside him, going out of his way to ensure that, was very different. A lot less cold. It made the room, with all its stark structures, seem less imposing. It was different to not have Axel towering over him too.

He keeps his gaze on his friend, as Axel tries to explain. The memory experiments are no surprise after everything with him and Xion. The mutiny of the other Organization members a lot more so, mostly because he figured nobody would risk going against Xemnas. But he'd never really known most of CO group either, having only shared one or two missions with each before their departure.

But as Axel goes on, revealing that the one who had eliminated many of their own had, in fact, been him, Roxas feels the shock falling over his expression. Axel had killed Vexen? And Zexion too? And the way he speaks so brazenly about considering killing the rest... Had they all meant so little to him? Roxas had never given much thought to any of them, but hearing about their elimination had shaken him just the same. (Though mainly because Axel had been among their number.) How could they be there one day and then completely erased the next?

Well, now he knew.

"Why would you... ?" The utter confusion and disbelief catches in his tone, just as it stamps itself plainly on his face.

It made no sense. The Axel that had so easily destroyed his own teammates was the same one that had shown him the simple joy of sharing ice cream, the same one that had flung himself between Roxas and Xion to prevent them from hurting each other under the Organization's manipulations, the same one that had promised him they'd meet again with that pitiably defeated face. His best friend. There had to more to it!

But something else had happened amid all that betrayal. He remembers what Axel had been like when he first returned from Castle Oblivion. So much more... alive.

"I just needed some time to sort out my feelings."

"You know you're more cheerful."
"Funny, I was thinking the same about you."
"Yeah well, he must have really rubbed off on me."

Sora. He had been talking about Sora. Somehow despite everything he had done at Castle Oblivion, Sora had changed Axel. The thought brings that tightness back to his chest, along with an emotion he can't fully recognize. His hand finds its way to his heart, which is practically thundering, as he unconsciously clenches his eyes shut.

And with that strange new emotion comes a much more sobering realization that forces those eyes open again. Roxas had assumed Axel's secrets regarding Naminé were still tied to him. That what Axel was still clinging to so tightly had to be linked to his knowledge of Roxas' real identity. When in reality, Axel's secrets were about Axel.

"I can't go telling you all my dark secrets."

At the time, they had laughed it off, buying into Axel's explanation that Saix would get on his case. Of course they had. Axel was their best friend. What else mattered?

Was this what Axel had meant? Axel didn't want him to know because... Why didn't he want him to know? Is it because of the confusion Roxas now feels? Is it because he thought Roxas wouldn't want to be his friend anymore? Does Roxas want to be his friend anymore, knowing how effortlessly he had turned on people who had seen him as an ally?

He can barely form any of the questions in his head as he keeps it down, unsure what to think anymore. All he manages is a faint, "Do you regret it?"

[hollabastiongirl]

Axel’s heart stutters as he sees Roxas shrink in on himself, watches him clench his fist to his heart and screw his eyes shut tight. Like he can’t even look at Axel anymore. Like he doesn’t want to see this part of him, the part that Axel himself is having a hard time reconciling with who he is now. He isn’t that person anymore, the one who cut people down without a second thought. He’s not. He isn’t.

But, he ponders with a frown, isn’t he?

Wouldn’t he do it again, if Roxas was in trouble? Xion? Isa? Wouldn’t he do anything to protect them? Hasn’t he proved that already? Every heart has its own darkness, and Axel’s is ruthlessness. Sharp, unyielding; the cool, steel spikes of his chakrams. He’s wielded it before for the people he cares about, and as he sits there with Roxas in front of him, maybe turning away from him, folding in on himself under the weight of Axel’s sins, he still knows without a doubt, he’d do it again. He’d do what he had to, for them. He’d promised that. Whatever it takes.

That’s just who he is.

“Ya know,” Axel finally says, glancing away from Roxas to eye the picture of Castle Oblivion again, “I thought I did. I definitely should.” As he speaks, his mouth twists into a pale imitation of a smile, a wretched hollowness eating at his features. The storm of emotions brewing in his chest has quieted, its absence leaving behind a chill numbness. For just one moment, he feels like a Nobody again. He exhales, and it passes. “Don’t get me wrong, Roxas. I’m not proud. But I did what I thought I had to at the time. It wasn’t for fun. It was…” To protect you. To protect Isa. “…maybe what you’d call a ‘necessary evil.’ A bad thing done for good reasons.”

But then what does that make him? Bad, good? Light, dark? A balance of both? Can someone be that?

Axel turns back towards Roxas. He hesitates, bites his lip. Shrugs. “I don’t know. I feel guilty about it, sure. Might even get around to apologizing to them one of these days. But regret?” He meets Roxas’s eyes, swallowing down the fear that’s clogging his throat. No lies, right? “I don’t think I do. I think…if I had to do it again now, for the same reasons I did back then…I would.”

[terribletwos]

"I definitely should."

Roxas looks up, more confused than ever. He's met with a smile he's only ever seen once before. That day in this very building. When Axel had manically proclaimed that the return of his memories came too late. Too late to save either of them.

Was this the same face he'd shown to the members of Castle Oblivion before cutting them down? A smile absent of any of the warmth and reassurance he'd always shared with Roxas. And later with Xion. Maybe Isa when they were still human. How could Axel possess such horribly different smiles?

His brow furrows and his gaze sharpens, as he desperately tries to understand. It feels like the simulation all over again. Two versions. Two truths. So which was the fake? Was there a fake? Everything Axel had done for him, for them, that was real. Axel's promise, that had been real too, he knows that without a doubt. Axel had put himself through so much to fulfill it. But the assassin Axel claimed to be... that's just as real.

As Axel continues, there's a growing sense that something is still missing. Axel might be admitting to betrayal and to destroying his own, but the way he pauses when he talks about why... it's not the whole picture. Yet, what could he have left to hide? A bad thing done for good reasons? What does that even mean?

By the time Axel asserts that he'd do it all over again, Roxas' confusion has turned to a boiling frustration that erupts into a hand slamming into the table. "Stop it! Whatever you're trying to keep from me, just stop. You still haven't said why! How am I supposed to understand any of this if you won't tell me that?" He releases a hard breath that sounds on the verge of tears, as he looks directly at Axel. "I want to understand, Axel. I don't want it to be like... before." I don't want to lose you again. "I want it to be better. Isn't that why we have this chance?"

[hollabastiongirl]

Roxas’s fist comes down on the table as he explodes and Axel jumps, eyes wide. The last time he’d seen him like this was—

”What’s going on?”

The sound of a keyblade thumping against the Struggle ring platform echoes in his mind. Axel flinches. Withdraws. His face shutters as he remembers that last day, the fight in the basement of this stupid mansion. Smell of ozone and char in his nose as they fought, the wail of metal striking metal ringing in his ears again and again. He hadn’t been sure he could win. He also hadn’t cared. Maybe it could end in a draw, he’d thought. Maybe we could go away together. Maybe we could be—

Axel chokes on his breath, rushing back to the present as Roxas keeps talking. He might as well have hit him with the keyblade, Axel feels so stricken. He’s nauseous, cold sweat on the back of his neck. What had just happened? Is he losing it? He struggles to focus on the words coming out of Roxas’s mouth, the sound reaching him as though through water. Is he breathing? What’s happening?

“I—“ He’s trying to speak but the words are caught in his throat. He feels like he’s burning. “I don’t—“

A ring of inferno, a clash of blades. Maybe we could stay together. Maybe I don’t have to lose him. Maybe we can be—

What is this?

Axel focuses on Roxas, really looks at him. He’s still here, he tells himself. He’s in this room. They’re together. They’re safe. Roxas isn’t leaving again. Right? He isn’t. Roxas is angry, but that’s okay. They can work through it. They have to.

I can’t lose him again!

“Just, give me a minute, okay?” he wheezes, trying to get ahold of himself. His hand goes to his chest, heartbeat thundering under his palm. “Having some technical difficulties over here. Pitfalls of having a heart, I guess.”

[terribletwos]

"Axel?" The blaze in Roxas' eyes simmers as shock takes its place. Had he actually scared Axel? Axel could be scared?

Of course, dummy, anyone can be scared. Even people who used to believe they didn't have emotions. It was just so weird to think of that applying to someone like Axel. And even weirder to have himself be the cause.

He feels helplessly trapped, as he watches Axel all but fall apart in front of him. He did this. This raw fear, this is because of him.

His misgivings of just a moment ago slip from his mind as panic takes over. His friend needs him. Just like he had in the Keyblade Graveyard. The first time he realized that he could help Axel now, that it didn't always have to be the other way around. He could return all those favors.

Could he still do that here? Would Axel let him, given their current state? He had to try. This was his fault. He had demanded his answers. And even if he deserved them, he didn't want to hurt Axel.

He takes a deep breath to steady himself and reaches for Axel's arm, the one pressing Axel's hand to his chest. "It's all right. I didn't mean to..." Except that he did. He pushed Axel as hard as he could, so adamant to fix what they had broken that day.

He shakes his head and grips Axel's arm. "I don't know what I want anymore, Axel. I just keeping going back to that day and trying to figure out why. Why it had to end like that. All I ever wanted was to stay with you and Xion." He tries to meet Axel's eyes. "That hasn't changed. I'm just afraid what if it falls apart again because we still can't trust each other?" He hears his breath growing more ragged, feels the heat struggling to pull him under. "I can't lose you both again. I can't."

[hollabastiongirl]

He looks up as Roxas grips his arm, the words he’s speaking like a punch to Axel’s gut. ”…why it had to end that way.” His mind reels back to the basement but he fights it, reaching up with his free hand to clasp Roxas’s wrist and ground himself. He’s here. They both are. No one is leaving. He’s being stupid. Get a grip, already.

Only what Roxas says next is what really does him in. That he can’t lose them again. Axel’s eyes well up and overflow, the tears from earlier today making their ugly return. A part of him wants to hunch away, to stand up and leave the room. A little voice in his head tells him he shouldn’t be sniveling like a child in front of his best friend. He’s supposed to keep it together.

The bigger part of Axel, though, tells the other part to shut the hell up. He knows he’s safe here—Roxas won’t judge him. Roxas will understand.

Using the hand still wrapped around Roxas’s wrist Axel pulls him into his arms, the smell of ozone and light filling his nose and soothing away some of the raw panic. Roxas is right here, dummy. Quit your damn crying. He’s got an arm looped around Roxas’s back and a hand on the back of his head, pressing it into his shoulder. Roxas is so warm against him, so real. God, he never wants to lose this.

“I’m sorry,” Axel says, blond tufts of hair brushing his cheek as he speaks. They tickle. More proof this is real. “I’m not really trying to keep anything from you. This stuff is just hard to talk about. It all feels so jumbled, even in my head. I’m still sorting it out. I’m still…” He pauses to take a shuddering breath. The tears are slowing, but still drip from his chin onto the stark white floor. “I’m still sorting myself out. Kind of a mess in there. My heart, I mean.” It’s all still novel. “My head, too. But it won’t be like before, okay? I swear. Just…maybe be patient with me. I’m trying, Roxas. And no one is losing anyone. No one is taking you guys away from me. Not ever again.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas lets himself fall into the hold, both because the tears (how often had Axel cried while he was gone? he'd never let them see that sight of him when they were with the Organization) tell him Axel really needs it right now and because Roxas does too.

It's not his first hug. That had involved them and Xion after the battle with Saix. But this one feels different. The arms around him cling almost painfully so and Axel is so very close. Encircling him in such a way that it makes it difficult to tell where Roxas ends and Axel begins. It makes him feel hot and dizzy and... desperate for more.

He buries his face into that shoulder, balling up his fists against Axel. The familiar scent makes him even dizzier, the acrid tang of fresh flames mixed with the coppery taste of metal. It brings back Axel's earlier confession about the Castle Oblivion, and Roxas realizes, with startling clarity, that he doesn't care right now. This is his Axel. The one who had kept their most important promise. The past couldn't change that.

One of his arms snakes over Axel's shoulder and he exhales shakily, as Axel starts talking again. He nods against him to show that he's still listening. It's still hard. It's hard letting himself believe it will be different this time, letting himself believe Axel again. But he needs this, Axel needs this. He can't let what Sora did for them go to waste. Especially when feeling Axel all around him seems to fill that gaping hole in his heart ever so slightly.

He feels the tears drop onto his hair, soft patters just like those that had fallen on him during the last true night of his life. His battle with Riku at Memory's Skyscraper. He fights off the memory as he tries to offer some kind of reassurance to Axel. Axel, who'd always been his rock, now struggling to even speak. Struggling to understand who Axel is, just as much as Roxas is. Now plagued by the same questions that have always haunted Roxas. Who am I? Why am I here? What do I do now?

He knows he has to say something, to show he gets it. But the best he can choke out is a quiet, "Okay."

Patience has never been a strength for Roxas. He hated waiting. Especially when it was something that had him anxious or even excited. So much of his life had been spent in a sort of limbo, rushing through missions just to snatch a few precious hours to spend with Axel and Xion on the clock tower. Before doing it all over again the next day. Day after day. He really hated waiting.

But with the combination of the hug, his twisted mess of feelings and Axel's final assertion that no one would take them away from him again, he feels himself losing his own battle with his tears, as they spill over. The strained, half-sobbed words that follow them are unexpected, something dragged from the deepest depths of his heart, something he never wanted to think about ever again. But here in Axel's arms, it was impossible to keep those memories away. The worst of his life.

The arm over Axel's shoulder tightens.

"I felt it. When you... weren't here anymore. I wasn't supposed to feel anything. I didn't even have my own body anymore but... I felt it. It hurt so much. I thought nothing mattered anymore after I let Sora wake up... Until I lost the last thing that... did."

[hollabastiongirl]

Roxas begins to tremble against him, the sound of half-strangled sobs hitting Axel’s ears. Green eyes widen, still misty and overflowing. And when he hears what Roxas says next, Axel screws them closed tightly, trying to shut out the world as his tender heart is ripped apart with pain.

”I felt it. When you…weren’t here anymore.”

“No,” he gasps weakly, holding Roxas even more tightly against him. Running long fingers through silken strands of gold, trying to comfort Roxas but also maybe himself. The pain in his chest is spectacular, sharp and hot and choking. It’s bigger than his his body can hold, rushing out of him quickly through the steady stream of tears trickling down his face. His heart is racing, thrumming its protest like a tattoo against the cage of his ribs. He feels faint and dizzy, even with his eyes closed. No. No. I never wanted this. He shouldn’t’ve had to feel that. Why did he feel when I…? “I’m right here, Rox. We both are. We’re okay. We’ll be okay.”

Even if it doesn’t really feel that way. Right now it almost feels like nothing will be okay ever again. His heart is breaking apart at the seams.

Sniffling, Axel buries his nose into the crook of Roxas’s neck, inhaling his sharp scent and trying to pull himself together. He may never be able to fix this, but he has to try. Roxas needs him. With a ragged breath, words muffled against Roxas’s shoulder, Axel says, “I’m sorry. I don’t know why you had to go through that. I swear, I never…I didn’t know. You shouldn’t have had to…Damn it.” A sob escapes him, shaking through his whole body. “I hate that you did. But…Roxas, you have to know…I did it for you. I couldn’t let what you and Xion sacrificed go to waste.”

Sure, he liked Sora. He didn’t want him to get hurt, either. But that hadn’t been what Axel was thinking about, when he’d used his entire being to save him. He was thinking about Roxas. Roxas was in there. Roxas had given his life for Sora’s. Axel’s memory of her had faded by then, but Xion had too. There was this wild, visceral feeling in his chest as he’d fought at Sora’s side, thoughts blaring in his mind: I can’t let him die. I have to save him. Whatever it takes. For Roxas. For…

“I’d do anything for you guys. I always have. That’s…that’s what I meant, earlier. ‘A bad thing for good reasons.’ It’s always been for you. And Xion, and Isa. To protect you.”