[PSL] The New Day

[terribletwos]

So much had been going on since Roxas' return that he barely had time to process much of it. Between the final battle with Xehanort, the reunion with the Twilight Town Trio, the surprise trip to Destiny Islands and the general overwhelming and nearly unfathomable reality of his friends' presence, he'd been mostly operating on auto-pilot. Any sense of reflexion he might have otherwise squeezed in was all but pushed aside by Sora's sudden disappearance and the sense of unease and disorientation that followed. The lack of wholeness after months of being completely connected to another person, another self. It left him feeling lost in his own new Replica body and weighed down by a sense of loneliness, despite the abundance of friends, old and new, constantly around him.

Maybe that's why he decided against his typical refuge of the clock tower and instead found his way to the old mansion. Namine was no longer there of course, having taken up Riku's offer to spend some time at Destiny Islands, creating real memories to replace the ones she had invented for herself and Sora's friends. She had told him as much when she temporarily turned down his request to join everyone in Twilight Town. Unlike him and Xion, Twilight Town had never really been a home for Namine, just a place of false memory and regret.

Roxas delays stepping into the mansion, first glancing up at the window where he first got his glimpse of Namine, recalling everything that came after it. All of it eventually culminating in DiZ, no, Ansem summoning him here, where everything was supposed to end. And it would have, if not for Sora. The thought of his Other brings his hand to his chest, feeling the impossible heart beating there.

How is he supposed to explain this feeling of total disconnect to his friends? Even Xion wouldn't completely understand, having never been a true Nobody. Ventus might, but he's catching up with his own friends. And Namine still had Kairi at least.

He breathes out a heavy sigh, as he reaches to pull open the mansion door.

Comments

[hollabastiongirl]

Roxas’ shock doesn’t come as a surprise, though the cursing does, a little bit. Axel doesn’t think he’s ever heard him use a word like that before, at least not that he can remember. It’s almost assuredly his fault, too. And while the thought makes his lips begin to twitch into a self-satisfied smirk, he suppresses it, trying to keep very still and serious as Roxas works to disentangle his confusion. It won’t do to freak him out more than he already is.

Axel’s patience pays off, too. Roxas settles down surprisingly quick, hand groping for the arm Axel’s still got wrapped around him to keep it there. He doesn’t want Axel to let go, just like in the depths of his dreams. ”Stay here.” This time, Axel can’t even hope to hold back the grin that tugs at his lips, small and smug. There’s a livewire beneath his skin, every part of him buzzing with the satisfaction that Roxas’ words bring. Roxas wants to stay like this, if only for minute, and Axel’s heart punches wildly against the wall of his chest in tacit agreement.

“Of course it’s okay,” he manages to say around the heady taste of nectar on the back of his tongue. The fruit is even sweeter when it’s not forbidden, he’s finding. He savors the flavor, bringing his other arm up to wrap Roxas in an even fuller embrace and savor him, too. “Take as many minutes as you want.” Take all my minutes, I don’t care. “You know me, I’m not in a rush to get up in the morning.”

Something still seems to bother Roxas, however, the hand on his arm pressing down harder. What’s he thinking about? Is this too much, he wonders? The full-on cuddling experience? Maybe he should’ve kept it to one arm only.

Before he can move, though, Roxas asks him a pointed question, reminding him of his own doubts from last night. He’d wanted to sleep on the floor rather than chance something like this. Even though—”It’s…nice.”

“Yeah,” Axel dares to agree out loud, trying to be brave for both their sakes, “it really is. It’s just…ya know, after yesterday. I didn’t want to freak you out like that again, and I know I’m pretty cuddly in my sleep. Just ask all my pillows.” It’s a joke that lands wrong, the wince in his voice obvious. He sounds friggin’ pathetic. A sad, lonely loser with only cotton fluff to snuggle with. “Don’t take that the wrong way, though,” he’s quick to add, realizing it also sounds a little callous. As though he’d hold anyone given half the chance. That’s not true. “It’s not like…I wouldn’t do this with just anyone, okay? I, uh…I don’t want to do this with anyone but you.”

Shit, there. He said it. Hopefully it doesn’t blow up in his face; it’s burning hot enough as it is.

[terribletwos]

Roxas' still drowsy face lights up with Axel's confirmation. He's about to lean back again and satiate himself on more of Axel's unique warmth when Axel suddenly cages him in with his other arm. Roxas tenses, his instinctive reaction being "trapped," as the pleasant warmth becomes almost suffocating. He concentrates on the bare flesh beneath his hand, reminding himself that it's just Axel. It's all Axel. Axel who's holding him like he's something important, precious. Bit by bit, the suffocating sensation begins to melt away, leaving only the satisfaction of being wanted.

He lets himself relax within the embrace, bringing his other arm close to Axel's to re-center himself amid the other's affections and, if need be, reassure Axel after that less than encouraging initial response., They're so close now that he can feel Axel's breath tickle his ear when he continues. Of course. Axel has always liked his extended nap opportunities. He's glad Axel can have this one before things get hectic again, with the search for work.

Axel's admission of his worries comes as a surprise to Roxas, even though he knows Axel is trying harder to be honest. With him, at least. It still must be hard to admit to a personal fear. Best friend or not. Roxas finds himself considering his own courage. Would it help Axel to know why he sometimes got overwhelmed by Axel's efforts or would it just make him less likely to try? The idea of Axel stopping initiating all together is all but crushing.

At least Axel's pillow joke is dorky enough to be distracting. It's quite the image, picturing Axel wrapped tenderly around a pillow. He can tell Axel is embarrassed by the comment, but it's hard to see it as anything but... cute. And maybe a little sad to think of Axel by himself. Not that Axel has to worry about that anymore, especially once they find their own place.

What he's not expecting is Axel to somehow pick up on his inner turmoil and say just the thing to shove those fears away. His heart seems almost too small to handle the onslaught of emotions. Gratitude. Relief. Joy. And one he can't name beyond a deep sense of fondness and need to be close to Axel like this always. The smile that forms in the wake of his emotional rush is one of pure affection and euphoria

Roxas wraps his arm over Axel's, capturing him just as he's captured Roxas. "I guess that makes me special." He gives that arm a small squeeze with his own. "And it makes you special too. Because I don't want this with anyone else either. It wouldn't feel like you."

He takes a deep breath, using Axel's confession to bolster his own nerves. "Sometimes I get... nervous because everything is so new. And it can be overbearing. Like I'm losing control. And... it scares me at first." His tone starts out hesitant and slightly cracking but gradually strengthens as he continues. "But... I want to get better about it. I want to try to work through it. Because when I do, I really like it." He gives another, more self conscious smile and then looks up at Axel again, as he moves his hand to to close it around Axel's. "I promise I'll let you know if it's too much. So... you don't have to be afraid to touch me as much as you want. And... you can tell me when it's too much for you. That way we don't have to keep guessing and wondering if we're doing something wrong. And you won't have to suggest sleeping on the floor." Roxas gives him a pointed look at that last part.

[hollabastiongirl]

When Roxas finally relaxes under his careful embrace, it feels as though a slot of empty space inside his heart has been suddenly filled in. He breathes a soft sigh of relief into the tufts of blond hair that tickle his chin, stirring up a pleasing mix of whatever shampoo he’s been using and the sweet aroma of Roxas himself, his scent crisp and airy like sunshine itself. Axel allows himself to bask in it; to soak up the rays of Roxas’ affection like a man who’s finally feeling the light of the sun after ten long years of stumbling through the dark.

Heh.

A ghost of a smile flickers across his lips, there and gone in an instant. That’s really not so far from the truth now, is it? Loneliness has been following him like a stray for longer than he cares to admit. The stinging imprint from its bite had only just begun to scab over during their reunion at the Keyblade Graveyard, but right now he feels that wound closing up fast, urged into nothing but a scar by Roxas’ gentle touch.

He really is something special, huh?

Axel smiles for real now, returning the beaming grin Roxas offers him as best he can. He isn’t anything special, really, but Roxas has always made him feel that way. Especially now, the murmured confession that Roxas wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else either slamming pure unadulterated happiness hot and hard through Axel’s veins like a party drug. He’s on top of the goddamn world. Doesn’t even take a second to consider what it might mean. It hardly matters right now anyway. Just knowing that he feels that way is enough.

Besides, Roxas then goes on to explain to him exactly why he sometimes tenses under Axel’s hands. It’s an important reminder that they both have boundaries they’ve been ignoring in their haste to feel connected again, but it’s also a glimpse into the vast well of Roxas’ deeper feelings that Axel hasn’t been given a chance to witness until now. It’s clear he doesn’t fathom what they could mean yet, and Axel has no plans to spell it out for him. But Roxas says it himself—they can work through it. Whatever happens now, it should do so organically. And at Roxas’ pace. He’s the one still finding his footing in the world, in his brand new body, and Axel isn’t keen to rush his slow and careful steps in any particular direction.

But, boundaries. Yes. He can agree to those terms.

Sheepish at being reminded of last night’s foolishness, Axel says, “yeah, you’re right. I understand. And I’m…sorry about that. It can be hard to talk about this stuff, ya know? I wasn’t sure how to bring it up. But I’ll work on my hang-ups, too. The only way to get better at something is to practice, right?” It’s a little sad that he needs to practice being more open and honest with people, especially Roxas, but that’s not the point. Focus, blockhead. He made you a promise, now you make one, too. And follow through, for Shiva’s sake.

“I promise, too, Rox. I’ll tell you if I need some space.” It’s unlikely, but Roxas has a habit of taking him by surprise. He starts pushing too many of Axel’s buttons and who knows. They’ll cross that bridge when they get there. “Speaking of, I hate to interrupt this snuggle sesh but unfortunately, nature’s calling. Think you’re ready to get up? We should probably start the day, anyway. There’s laundry to do. And fun to be had. Sand isn’t gonna invade our underwear if we don’t get our asses to the beach first.”

[terribletwos]

The returned smile nearly stuns Roxas, rivaling the brilliance of his destined power. He's never thought much about it, the significance of him being brought into existence with dominion over light. Though there's a certain irony between that and his connection with Axel, given the symbiotic relationship between fire and light. Maybe that's what gives Axel his incredible ability to capture the very essence of light in his best smiles, the ones that make Roxas feel like he's soaring around Neverland again. He wishes he could hold onto those smiles forever, to summon their power like a spell whenever he needs quick shot of happiness.

Oh right, the Gummi Phone. He can freeze moments in time now, in a way. Though his is probably on some piece of furniture at Hayner's place, purposefully abandoned due to his jittery attitude toward most technology. Even the promise of pictures, like those he learned about in the simulation, isn't enough to have him keep the device on his person. It's just so hard to trust the machine wouldn't drag him back into that digital prison. The Gummi Phones are basically small computers.

He shakes off the thought to focus again on that smile, on the way it makes his heart race. On how good it feels to know that the smile is there because of him. That he can make Axel feel special too. On how that smile seems to make Axel's face glow with contentment. On how it makes Axel's lips look so soft and delicate.

Wait, what?

Before he has time to unpack that stray thought, Axel is apologizing again for his weird behavior earlier and agreeing to better communication as well. It helps Roxas redirect his attention to Axel's eyes, which seem to shift through various hues to reflect Axel's jumbled response. A bit dull when chastising himself and discussing his uncertainties and then transforming into their true luminescence once he commits to working on things too.

Roxas nods softly. "Yeah, I don't know how to word things sometimes. I'm afraid they're going to come out dumb, especially with how much more you know than me." He squeezes Axel's hand. "But I also know you won't make fun of me for not understanding. So I don't mind trying harder to let you know what I... feel." Though maybe not about the lips thing just now. He needs a bit more time to process that first.

He pulls a face at Axel's awkward non sequitur. Suddenly, he doesn't want to do either of those things. "Way to ruin the moment," he says in a fake pout, as he starts to work himself out of Axel's hold. Though he gives Axel a wry smile as he does so.

He's reluctant, for sure, but he did promise to respect Axel's requests for space. Also, he knows he's being overly needy in wanting to forgo yesterday's plans in favor of just flopping on his best friend for a while. Maybe Axel's opportunistic laziness is rubbing off on him. Or the soothing feeling of resting against Axel like this, sinking against his chest and being possessively wrapped in those gentle arms is one he wants to get used to. Which might explain why the shift from the hold leaves him feeling startingly aware of Axel's absence.

He pushes himself to his knees and stretches, the action emphasizing just how much his borrowed shirt hangs from him like a tent, nearly swallowing him in cloth. "Laundry's going to have to tough time topping this." Honestly, so is the beach. Which is bizarre to even consider.

That reminds him... He pauses in the middle of shifting off the bed, his look turning more hesitant, careful about presuming too much. "Did you sleep well?" He didn't feel much tossing and turning and Axel had crashed quickly enough. But maybe there's a part of him that wants to believe he had some role to play if Axel's sleep had been satisfying. Axel did say he was a cuddler.

[hollabastiongirl]

“Hey, don’t ever worry about that with me, okay?” Axel squeezes Roxas in his arms once, very gently. “I say dumb shit constantly, so I’m hardly one to judge.”

Laughing softly at the sour look on Roxas’ face, Axel breaks his encirclement to let him wiggle away, though a part of him aches like an open wound from the loss. Roxas seems quite unhappy about this development as well, lips pursed in a peevish pout. He’s too adorable. After last night, though, Axel’s learned his lesson. He keeps the thought locked behind his teeth, flashing an apologetic smile as he sits up and lazily ruffles his hair. Bleh. Sweaty. He’s gonna need a shower, too. Especially if they’re gonna be rolling around in the sand all day, or wading through the surf.

Still, they can probably afford to lounge around for awhile, at least while the laundry’s going. Hmm. He pauses, considering. “Just give me a bit to wash up and get the clothes in, okay? Then we can pick up where we left off. If you want. It’ll be a minute before the clothes are ready, anyway.” Stretching until he hears the satisfying pop of his joints, it takes him a moment to process the careful question Roxas angles his way. “Hmm? Oh, hell yeah. Best sleep I’ve gotten in awhile, actually. Maybe I should be cuddling you every night instead of my pillow.”

He punctuates this flirtation with a saucy wink, even though he knows he shouldn’t. He just can’t help it. Even on his best days he’s got shitty impulse control, and Roxas looks too damn cute right now with his ruffled bed-head and oversized clothes. It’s endearing enough to kill a lesser man, so he supposes he should just be thankful he possesses a strong enough willpower to resist the tempting idea of forgetting the beach completely in favor of spending the rest of the day cuddling in bed.

Well…no, no. Roxas would be disappointed. He mentioned the beach like two or three times yesterday, and Axel can’t stand to deny him anything. Not anymore.

[terribletwos]

"Maybe not constantly," Roxas teases, as the squeeze sends a thrilling tingle through his entire frame. It's quick enough that his body doesn't have the chance to get overwhelmed and Roxas can instead focus on the fading buzz that remains in the aftermath. Something similar to the adrenaline that clings to him after a good fight but also oddly tender.

Roxas blinks, more than a little surprised that Axel's actually taking his pouting seriously. Though maybe that has something to do with Axel not wanting to give up these nice feelings so quickly either. He smiles and nods eagerly at the idea of getting to snuggle (isn't that what Axel had called it? a snuggle session. it's kind of a silly word for something that feels so satisfying) for a bit longer. "Yeah, I'd like that." Maybe they could even try it the other way around too. If Axel liked cuddling, he might like being cuddled too, right? Roxas can't help wondering if the feelings would be any different.

The mention of clothes also reminds him of his earlier interest in learning how to do more day-to-day things that people associated with normalcy. His feet hit the scratchy carpet floor, as he presses his palms into the mattress, leaning forward excitement. "Oh right, you were going to show me about that!"

That excitement blooms into an immense satisfaction when Axel confirms his hopes about helping him sleep. And then a sunset-red blush at that last sentence. Heat pours over him, as if he were one of Mickey's famous waffles being drowned in thick sweet syrup. And with the addition of Axel's super flashy wink, he feels suddenly unsteady on his feet, despite knowing they're flat on the floor.

The only thing that sustains him through the emotional whirlwind is the faint memory of the last time he saw that wink and the growing realization that Axel is flirting with him. And flirting shamelessly at that. It does something to him, ignites a spark that trails up his back this time, pulling his body into a stronger, more confident stance bit by bit.

He's only half sure the bold, sassy voice that leaves him is his own. "Well, I'm way better than any pillow."

Did he just agree with Axel? Well... it is true. He is way better than any pillow.

[hollabastiongirl]

“Gee, what a ringing endorsement that is,” Axel says with a pouty little huff, ‘helping’ Roxas off of him with a light shove to his shoulder. He breaks only after a few seconds though, easy grin flashing across his face like a shooting star streaking through the night sky. It’s too hard to pretend to be annoyed when Roxas looks as soft and glowing as morning light, the curve of his smile matching the teasing lilt in his voice.

It’s even harder when that smile broadens, Roxas’ eyes going round and bright at the idea of a morning spent cuddling in bed together. Axel almost wants to pinch himself, certain he’s still dreaming. That also might explain why Roxas seems so excited about laundry, of all things, leaning forward to brace himself against the mattress with an eager aura he typically reserves for much funner things like ice cream and beach trips. Seriously? Can he get any cuter? Axel probably doesn’t want to find out, he may spontaneously combust.

As it is he has to bite down a chuckle, not wanting to come across as patronizing. He actually finds it ridiculously charming that Roxas has such a zest for learning even the most mundane things. It might even make doing laundry more interesting for Axel as well, getting to witness Roxas absorbing a new skill as they go. Like seeing the world from a fresh perspective. And anyway, he likes being the one to teach Roxas these things.

Before he really gets a chance to say anything about laundry, though, Axel gets sidetracked. He goes and says that flirty thing, tipping his friend a wink while he’s at it, and watches in giddy fascination as Roxas’ pretty face turns a shade of rosy red that would probably put Twilight Town’s sunsets to shame in a side by side comparison. And really, flustered Roxas is a vision—Axel’s addicted already, filing away this reaction under the ‘Things I Absolutely Must See More Of’ section in his mind.

He’ll have to be careful, of course. He doesn’t want to come off too strong. But clearly, Roxas is receptive to a little flirtation. Cocky about it, even. He may start out red-faced and shy but quickly turns it around on Axel, summoning a bald confidence like he would his keyblades and using it to deal a devastating blow. “Well, I'm way better than any pillow."

Axel’s mouth goes dry even as he laughs, trying to ignore the way his own cheeks heat in response to that sassy tone of voice. It has a similar affect as it did yesterday, stirring something uncomfortably hot in the pit of Axel’s belly that he doesn’t dare examine too closely. Being so self-assured is just an extremely attractive look for Roxas, apparently, and Axel can’t deny that he really digs it.

Hell if he’ll ever admit that out loud, though.

“You think so, hmm?” he teases, scratching at an annoying itch on his belly as he finally makes his way to standing. His tank top rides up as he does so, unwittingly giving Roxas a fair glimpse at his abdominal muscles, lean and well-defined. “I’d agree with you, but I dunno.” Pretending to think it over, he taps his angular chin with one long finger in consideration. What can he say? He’s always liked pushing buttons, as Roxas would phrase it. “I was sleeping through most of it, so how I can I say for sure yet? Guess it’s a good thing we’re going again, huh? So I can get the full experience.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas' rediscovered cockiness is put on hold, as he catches another never before seen sight. That of Axel's unclothed top or at least part of it. It's another thing he never thought much about, given that everyone had always been fully dressed by the time he ran into them in the castle. In fact, that only time he's ever seen someone without their clothes would be his dreams of Sora, particularly the ones from Atlantica. But he mostly accepted that as an another world thing.

But now, with that toned frame laid bare for him, he finds himself very interested. It's probably good that they still have Axel's bed between them or he might be even tempted to touch those muscles. Just to see if they feel as defined as they look. Axel's body has always been so sharp and made up of awkward angles at times. Those muscles seem to straddle the line between that angular appearance and something that might actually give beneath his fingertips.

Wait, how long has he been staring? Is Axel talking again? Something about full experience? Oh, he means the full experience of cuddling with him. The heat is back, all but boiling him now, but it's tempered by the replay of Axel's words. "Guess it's a good thing we're going again, huh?" Axel's goading him.

His response is almost instinctive, as he pulls his gaze from Axel's muscles to his eyes, his own doing that tiny flash they do when he's talking himself up. "Maybe I'll just cuddle you next time. That way you won't miss anything."

[hollabastiongirl]

Even at the asscrack of dawn and still slightly muzzy from sleep, Axel is far too perceptive not to notice the way the sight of his abs captures Roxas’ attention like a fly caught in a web, those baby blues boring holes into his flesh where they meet his body. He resists the urge to preen under the admiration, unsure if doing so would be enough to freak his friend out. Besides, didn’t he just tell himself he wasn’t going to push Roxas in any particular direction? Pretty sure flaunting his muscles would qualify as doing that, even if he could pass it off as unintentional.

Roxas manages to wrench his gaze away anyway, sweeping back up to zero in on Axel’s face. The eye contact between them is unexpectedly electric, the way Roxas’ eyes flash sending a lone shiver down Axel’s bony spine. His words, when he speaks them, are still saturated with that same bald confidence from before, if only slightly wavering. Roxas cuddling him, huh? Now there’s a thought.

“Maybe you will,” Axel says with an agreeable little smile, though he remains unconvinced that Roxas trying to cuddle him wouldn’t be unlike a chipmunk trying to cuddle a tree. He doesn’t dare mention these doubts, though, well aware that the fallout would be even worse than last night’s ‘You look cute’ incident. “We’ll figure out logistics when we get there. I’m gonna hop in the shower real quick before we do anything else, though. If you want breakfast while you’re waiting you can either head down to the lobby for the continental or eat a granola bar from my stash.” He points at the plastic bag sitting on the tiny work desk in the corner, clarifying aloud, “they’re over there. Help yourself.”

With that he ducks into the bathroom for a shower as hot as he can get it, as usual. Of course, it doesn’t occur to Axel until he’s already stepping under the spray of steaming water that he forgot to bring a change of clothes into the bathroom with him for when he’s done. “Shit.”

So much for not flaunting his body. Maybe it’s a little prissy of him, considering the circumstances, but there’s no damn way he’s going to redress in the sweat soaked pajamas he wore all night.

That’s why he ends up exiting the washroom some fifteen minutes later with only a thin white towel wrapped low around his waist, skin still slightly damp and flushed a deep pink from the heat of his shower. He’s hoping against all hope as he opens the door and steps out that Roxas ended up going to the lobby for breakfast after all, even though that’s probably not likely. Axel doesn’t bother to look around for him either, hurrying over to the dresser in long strides to start opening drawers and gathering fresh clothes.

[terribletwos]

The ridiculousness of Roxas' statement only occurs to him upon Axel's response. How in the worlds does he expect to pull that off, given their size difference? As much as he would like to try. Maybe there's a way to cuddle part of Axel rather than all of him? Axel does seem to like when Roxas moves his fingers through his hair and stuff like that.

Thankfully, Axel's trip to the shower spares Roxas from having to comment on the "logistics." But it also leaves him with the unexpected choice of how to handle breakfast. As much as he's curious about this "continental" or whatever Axel called it, he'd rather share that experience with Axel. Besides, he hasn't had a chance to really look around the place yet, with as exhausted as Axel had been yesterday.

He reaches for the remote to turn back on the cartoons Axel is so fond of, as he starts poking through the dresser drawers. Maybe he's no longer spending his days hunting Heartless or finding treasure chests, but the need to explore has yet to wane from that time. He doesn't remove anything since he's not entirely sure how to rearrange it properly, but he does catch several glimpses of more branded attire as well as a healthy mix of what he's heard Olette refer to as plaid (apparently it was very popular lately).

The discovery has him looking back at the hamper where his clothes lie inside and wondering if he should try picking up something new. He's never really picked his own clothes before. Did people just try on a bunch of things until they found something that made them happy? Xion had been successful enough with it, though she had Olette for suggestions. Hayner and Pence seemed much less interested in shopping. Maybe Xion could recommend some places to start.

Though the thought of clothes brings back the image of Axel without some. Is that weird? It makes him feel a little weird, especially since he's not even looking at Axel right now. And also the way the heat from before seems to mostly limit itself to deep in his belly. Had Axel noticed him looking at him? It had been hard to tell by the time he brought his gaze back to Axel's face. Axel had been too preoccupied with his bold claim then. But Axel had to have picked up on his attention as long as it had captivated Roxas. Why hadn't he said anything? (Probably because having someone stare at your body is really awkward, stupid.)

He feels his face flare up again and clothes the drawers so he can recover the granola bar Axel mentioned, in hopes of redirecting his thoughts to a new taste. It's not as exciting as the pancakes had been, lacking the intense sweetness, but the crunch is different enough to do the trick. He sits down at the desk so he can fully enjoy the dry salty flavor, eating it not unlike an ice cream, though he has to peel back the wrapping every now and then.

As he does so, he reaches beneath his too big shirt to trace his own abdominal muscles, wondering how they might compare to Axel's. His skin is fairly smooth and undefined, unblemished, reminding him that the time put into building strength in his old body wouldn't carry over to the Replica. Which means the unhealed injuries from his fight with Riku, especially the ones around his ribs where Ansem's Heartless had held him are also gone. As if they never happened at all. What does Axel even see when he looks at him now? Does he still see his old partner or someone who needs a parent, like everyone else seems to see?

The sound of the bathroom door opening has him sitting up straight again. "Welcome back," he starts to call when he realizes that Axel somehow has even less clothes than before! His mouth falls open slightly, as his gaze seems lost as to where to focus, as it trails across every bit of exposed skin. At least as much of it can as Axel speeds toward the dresser. But he still manages a decent enough look at that full chest and surprisingly powerful thighs. Which, of course, sends that shot of heat directly into his gut with all the thrust of a stray fireball.

The startling sensation forces a breathless exclamation from his lips, as his brain rushes to catch up with everything else. "Wow." He never realized Axel could look so incredible. It's as if his eyes are completely locked onto his best friend, drawn there as if by some kind of Magnet spell.

He would be alarmed by how easily his eyes have apparently hijacked his body were it not for the dawning realization that... he likes seeing Axel like this. So much so that he has to fight the urge to frown when Axel grabs a shirt to pull on. Okay, something is clearly up with him now. He jerks his head away before does anything worse.

[hollabastiongirl]

Tucked sneakily at the desk in the corner, Roxas somehow evades Axel’s immediate attention until he says, with a breathless tone of voice that borders on reverent, ”wow.” Axel’s eyes jerk up from considering the black wife-beater he’s got clutched in one broad hand, an embarrassed flush of surprise rapidly staining his cheeks. Damn it. Roxas hadn’t gone downstairs after all. How the hell hadn’t he noticed him?

If he was an enemy, you’d be dead. Losing your touch, huh?

It’s self-scorn he probably doesn’t deserve, considering the slim to none chance of a Heartless or lingering Nobody breaking into his crappy motel room, but it strikes him as odd that he hadn’t felt the typical nag of paranoia that forces him to sweep every room he walks into with an assessing glance regardless. It’s been such an ingrained habit in his daily life for so long—often on edge during missions and downtime alike—that he almost can’t believe its absence. It’s too good to be true.

Just like Roxas himself is, has always been, his brilliant eyes half-obscured by spills of gilded blond but no less bright for it. They draw him in like a Magnega cast, sucking him into the fathomless abyss of dark pupils blown wide and ringed by ocean blue. They’re so deep Axel could drown in them. Would, willingly. He even almost does, taken aback the heat reflecting in Roxas’ eyes and the way it sparks a slow sort of fire that trickles through his veins like rivulets of molten lava and sears him from the inside out. He’s distantly aware of a twitch in his knee, though whether he means to take a step forward or a step back he can’t be sure.

“Rox?” he says, the nickname sliding silky smooth across his tongue. It also comes out much huskier than he intends, but really, damn it, he’s only human. Could anyone blame him, being leveled with a look like that? Thankfully, Roxas tears his gaze away only a second later, either brought out of his trance by Axel’s voice or the realization of how hard he’s been staring. Hard enough to burn, to brand, leaving marks across every inch of Axel’s skin that Roxas’ eyes touched.

Stupid, he thinks as he hastily turns back to the task at hand, trying to ignore the way awkwardness rushes to fill in the space left between them. That’s all in your head, you dope. He probably wasn’t even looking at you like that. Projecting, much? Get it together.

Hopefully he’d kept his face in check, after all that. He can’t exactly remember, too lost in Roxas’ expression at the time to have paid any mind to his own. He could also probably stand to apologize, to both himself and Roxas, for getting them into this strangely tense situation in the first place.

“Sorry,” Axel mumbles as he ducks his chin, still rummaging through drawers to find an appropriate outfit for the day. God, he should just pick something already. He’s too flustered now to stand around nearly naked, but trying to decide on any one item isn’t going so hot either. Damn it. “I, uh, forgot to take clothes to change into after my shower. Smooth move, right? Friggin’ space case.”

[terribletwos]

Something about the way his name all but glides off Axel's tongue yet still manages to sound as if it's drawn up from somewhere deep inside Axel (a part of himself that he's trying to deny?) has Roxas' heart skipping a few beats. How is Axel able to make such a simple nickname sound so important, so intimate? And why does it leave him feeling almost muzzy in its wake? As if it activated some status effect on all his senses. But as the lightheaded feeling fades, it's followed by something especially fond and touched. He's never heard his name said like that after all.

Despite his anxiety over weirding Axel out with his intrusive staring (Hadn't Axel looked really embarrassed just now? It would be funny if it wasn't because of Roxas being a weirdo. Who would want to be stared at so aggressively?), he finds himself slowly turning back to Axel. (Eyes. Remember to focus on his eyes. That's normal.) Too bad Axel has made that rather difficult with the way he lowers his head and Roxas finds his gaze wandering again before he can catch himself.

Axel's apology jerks him back to awareness. "Huh?" Why is Axel apologizing to him? He's the one staring. Axel's just walking around in his own apartment. Wait, is that why he's embarrassed? Because he thinks he looks dumb for forgetting his clothes? Is that why he thinks Roxas is staring?

Roxas rubs sheepishly at the back of his neck. "It's fine I won't tease you about it. It's not like you usually have people in here, right?"

He takes in Axel's still flustered look and realizes that Axel has yet to put anything on, despite grabbing at so many things amid Roxas' study of him. Well, at least his previous exploration has given him some means of fixing the mess he made. He makes his way over to the dresser, doing his best to keep his gaze off Axel so he doesn't make him feel more self conscious. Reaching over, he removes a loose black tank top that dips a bit in the back. It's more simple than some of the other outfits, but it seems comfortable and Axel could probably use that right now. Realizing that the outfit might be a tad revealing after the staring incident, he snatches up a cardigan as well.

"What about these?" He holds the clothes toward Axel. "I think they'd look good on you." Not that he has much sense for fashion. But from what he's seen, Axel could make anything look good. Predicting an inquiry about how he knows what's in the dresser, he quickly adds, "I, uh, was sort of looking through things while you were in the shower." Though saying it out loud, it does sound extremely awkward and not normal.

A flush spreads across his face, as he averts his gaze again. "Anyway, don't worry about forgetting your clothes. You don't look silly or anything. I've just never seen so much of you before." Ugh, he is so bad at this. That sounded dopey even to him. He turns back to Axel, determined to set things right. "I like it."

There, maybe that will help more. He even managed to keep his tone bright, which isn't hard when he considers how stunning it had been to seen Axel this way, presented to him without any guise or calculated persona. Vulnerable and alluring. Alluring? When did he start thinking of Axel as alluring? Are these the sort of thoughts that usually occur with someone you want to touch constantly?

[hollabastiongirl]

Glancing at Roxas from the corner of his eye, Axel offers a meek nod. “True enough. You’re the first person I’ve invited in, actually.”

Though that’s not for lack of trying on Isa’s part, Axel thinks ruefully. If he hadn’t been such a dick about it the first time he was denied entry, too used to infringing on Axel’s personal space after their years in the Organization to take no for an answer, Axel probably would’ve let him come in by now. But he’d been unnecessarily nasty right out of the gate, and Axel can be a spiteful bitch when given good reason. He’s said no every time Isa has asked since.

Point being, Roxas brought up a good point. Axel isn’t used to having guests, so it makes sense that grabbing clothes to change into after his shower had slipped his mind. Totally no big deal, right? He can stop being embarrassed any time now. Although telling himself that doesn’t seem to help any, still too flustered to decide on an outfit for time being. Sweet Shiva, just get dressed already. You’re being fucking ridiculous.

Unexpectedly, Roxas takes pity on him. One moment he’s quietly sitting in the corner and the next he’s warm at Axel’s side, fishing out a few articles of clothing from the dresser drawers and handing them over. Axel blinks and takes them with an automatic “thanks,” though he quirks a curious brow as Roxas begins to stammer about snooping through his things while he was in the shower. Oh really, now? Well then. He wouldn’t have pegged Roxas as the nosy type. It’s surprising enough to wring a breathy laugh from his lungs, more amused than upset since luckily he doesn’t have anything particularly scandalous hidden in his drawers at the moment.

He doesn’t get a chance to say anything more than “it’s fine,” however, as Roxas makes a earnest attempt to smooth over his perceived faux pas. He’s painfully sweet as he speaks, all red-faced and shy, so when he eventually does lift his eyes to meet Axel’s directly it’s almost startling. Roxas’ final words are too, tossed at him bright and sharp like a few of Larxene’s electrified throwing knives—”I like it.”

Those three little words certainly hit the mark, a distinctive sensation not unlike being struck by a thunder spell making Axel shiver. There’s static in his brain and electricity dancing under his skin that raises gooseflesh in its wake, and Axel has no earthly clue what the hell his face looks like right now. He feels stunned—just absolutely floored. The only thing he can think is, exactly what am I supposed to say to that?

What he’s surely not supposed to do in this situation is indulge the reckless impulse to kiss his best friend that rushes through him hard and hot, but he’s always been the rebellious type. That holds true even to himself apparently, his body rebelling against every scrap of logic his scattered mind is desperately trying to feed it—before he’s entirely aware of what he’s doing Axel is chasing the whim the way a clap of thunder follows a lightning strike, Roxas’ cheek cupped in one broad hand as he leans down far to press a soft kiss to the warm skin of Roxas’ lips.

And then he about dies.

“Fuck,” Axel chokes as he jerks back seconds later, nearly tipping himself over in his haste, “fuck, Roxas, I’m so sorry. That was—“ colossally idiotic! Extremely ill-advised! Potentially friendship ruining you giant, feckless jackass!! “—wrong of me. Seriously not cool. I’m really, really sorry.”

[terribletwos]

Axel's admission surprises Roxas, causing his eyes to widen a bit. While he'd been mostly sure that Axel didn't have people over that often, he figured he would have at least had Saix over once or twice since they got back. Saix would have wanted to pick things up just like the rest of them, even if Saix would have been trying to restart from a while back rather than a year and some change. Axel makes it sound like either Saix hadn't tried. Or Axel hadn't agreed. Why?

At least his adventures in clothes selection means he doesn't stay stuck on the thought too long, even if Axel seems a little quiet and confused throughout the process. But Axel had picked something for him last night. It's okay if he returns the favor, right? The laugh that follows his confession is slightly more assuring. He'd rather Axel think him amusing than as weird as he currently feels.

He's still desperately attempting to recover from his awkwardness and scrabbling for a way to help Axel feel less guilty about everything, all while parsing through his confusing attraction(?) to Axel's present state when he notices Axel staring at him. Only he looks like Roxas has just said something earth-shattering, those captivating emerald eyes blown. Roxas feels a hard lump form in his throat.

Does Axel not want him to like him like this? Did he just make things worse? Is Axel going to put distance between them again? Should he take it back? Can he take it back? He could probably pretend it was a joke. He's a terrible liar compared to Axel, but he could still try. So why does the idea make him feel so awful?

He opens his mouth to speak, as Axel's hand suddenly cups his cheek. Roxas barely has half a second to question what it means before Axel's leaning down to touch their lips together. His own eyes gape insanely wide, as his senses are hit with what might as well have been a Thundaga strike. Everything goes completely haywire. His fists clench tightly at his sides, as his entire body is razed by electric jolts, followed by a surge of heat that would put Axel's most savage moves to shame. He's half-sure Axel can feel the sensations through their connected mouths and even more sure that he's experiencing a total disconnect from his body...

And then the chaos stutters to an immediate stop, as the sensation against his lips rips away, leaving him feeling as if he's been sliced by a chakram.

Axel's backpedaling, shouting, stumbling through panicked apologies. And Roxas' head is still spinning as if he's just been slammed into a wall. Something's wrong. He knows that much. Something's wrong and Axel's devastatingly upset.

He grapples for Axel's bare wrist to ground himself again, barely able to process the last minute. His eyes are still somewhat dazed. "Stop. I'm not upset. I'm just... " Honestly, he doesn't even know what he feels right now? Everything had been so fast. Like he'd been swallowed up by a hurricane and then instantly released.

That was a kiss, right? Like what they'd seen that couple doing? Axel had kissed him. And not on the forehead like before. He unconsciously brings the fingers of his free hand to his mouth.

"When someone is attracted to someone else, they want to kiss them.”

Does that mean Axel is attracted to him? But then why would he freak out like that? He didn't do that when he flirted with the server. But he'd also said she didn't mean anything to him so maybe that was different somehow? Why was being attracted to Roxas so upsetting?

Because you barely understand what love is, let alone attraction. What is he supposed to say to you that you could possibly comprehend? Is that it? Is that why Axel's been acting weird since the mansion had them desperate for physical comfort? Because he didn't know how to deal with feeling that way about someone who couldn't even make sense of his own emotions? Who Axel isn't even sure could tell him if he felt the same way. Is he just making Axel more miserable? What's he supposed to do now?

He drops his free hand again and stares at the one around Axel's wrist. "I was surprised. I thought I said something wrong and then you... It happened so fast." Roxas carefully lifts his gaze once more, hoping to somehow convey the feelings he does understand. "It's okay, if you're... attracted to me. I know I'm not good at any of this and it's probably really annoying to feel like that about someone who's barely a person. But if that's how you feel, it doesn't bother me."

Part of him knows he should stop there, that it's stupid to talk about his own feelings when they're still such a jumbled mess, that it's not remotely fair to Axel. But the selfish part of him needs to prove that he can feel things too. Isn't that what Sora and everyone else fought for? To give them a chance to experience all the feelings real living brings? He feels that frantic impulse wrest control from his logical side, as he manages a weak smile. "I like when you look at me. And when you hold me or touch me. And when you smile for me. And every time you let me see the real you. And I know the thought of you doing that with anyone else makes me really frustrated. I don't know if it's the same as what you feel, but I know I've never felt like that before. It feels... important."

Is that attraction? How is anyone supposed to know for sure?

[hollabastiongirl]

Axel falls silent as Roxas catches his wrist, the touch undeniably grounding with the way it sparks tiny pinpricks of heat right beneath the skin where Roxas’ fingertips press. He gulps down one shuddering breath and then another, allowing the soft voice lapping at his ears like gentle waves to help him get his head on straight despite not really processing what’s being said. Freaking out now won’t do either of them any good—won’t undo what’s already been done. He’s gotta keep it together, if only for his friend’s sake. He’ll have time to properly break down about this later.

It helps immensely to know that Roxas isn’t upset. Axel isn’t sure he could live with himself otherwise, already feeling enough guilt soaking sponge-like into his bones to fill his quota for the entire year. Why in the ever-loving hell did he do that, anyway? The moment keeps flashing through his mind in a loop, eating up his attention the way fire consumes gasoline, but he can’t stop thinking about it. He can’t stop remembering the soft brush of lips against lips, right where Roxas’ fingers are now; the way Roxas’ breath puffed hot over Axel’s mouth in a gasp of surprise just before the kiss connected; or how he knows now, even after just half a second, a mere instant, what Roxas’ mouth tastes like.

He’s dizzy with the memory of it, the lingering sweetness that he tastes on bottom lip as he nervously bites it a heady reminder.

”It's okay, if you're... attracted to me,” Roxas tells him, the deceptively gentle words landing like a physical blow. Axel winces, suppressing the urge to take a stumbling step back since they’re still standing so close that he can feel Roxas’ body heat like sunshine on his skin. It’s too close, yet not nearly close enough. Does that make sense? Does anything? Axel’s head spins as Roxas keeps talking, saying things he never really imagined hearing from his best friend. Telling Axel in plain terms that while he doesn’t understand exactly what he’s feeling yet (And why would he, you moron? It’s been what, not even twenty-four hours since you explained what kissing even is? Such an impatient asshole. Shiva’s frozen tits, you suck), those unfamiliar feelings have significance.

Roxas is offering him hope.

That’s really all anyone could ask for, right? It’s more than Axel should ask for, definitely. He has no right to ask for anything at all, knowing full well how precious little experience Roxas has had in his life so far. He absolutely should not have kissed him. They shouldn’t be having this conversation. He probably shouldn’t’ve even invited him to spend the night last night considering his own confusing myriad of emotions.

But what’s done is done. He can’t take it back now. And in the meantime, he realizes, he should probably say something before Roxas flips out. He’s been quiet far too long.

“Thanks for telling me,” Axel mumbles lowly, voice coming out rough as though he swallowed gravel. “Uh. Is it all right if I get dressed now? I’m not trying to cut and run on you or anything, but I’m having a hard time keeping my head on straight and being naked is really not helping.” The exact opposite, in fact. He jiggles his arm a little in reminder that Roxas has a hold of his wrist, though he resists pulling away to prove he’s not trying to rush off. “I promise we’ll talk about this, just. After I get some clothes on. Okay?”

[terribletwos]

Roxas catches that wince when he tells Axel his attraction doesn't bother him. But he doesn't have time to dwell on it as his frazzled emotions drive him through the rest of his response. He can see the way Axel tenses, knows he's barely holding himself back from pulling away. He should let him. He knows how much Axel prefers to avoid talking about his personal feelings. But for some reason, he's afraid. What if Axel doesn't come back? That's ridiculous, he lives here!

Still, he can't bring himself to let go, not until he's sure Axel understands that everything's still fine. Is it though? Is it fine to keep letting Axel indulge in his feelings when his own are still a mystery to him? What if he takes too long to figure it out? Will it hurt Axel? Or worse, will Axel give up on him? Is it right to even be upset about that? Does he want Axel's attraction? He hadn't really considered that part in the wake of Axel's meltdown.

Thinking about it actually makes him feel calmer, warmer. Even if he's not sure about his own feelings, the idea of Axel seeing him as someone who he can want, can have feelings like that for... It makes his chest feel fluttery and light. He... really likes it.

But there's a heaviness too, a feeling of ownership and responsibility now that he knows the full truth of Axel's feelings. Knows that he basically now holds a piece of Axel's heart in a way. That part is a little scary. And humbling. A precious gift that he must handle with care lest he wound Axel in a way no Curaga could ever heal. Still, there's a part of him that feels incredibly grateful for that intimidating burden as well. He's the only one that's been entrusted to it.

His free hand finds its way to his own heart. He won't shirk this new responsibility. Axel deserves his honesty, even if also means dealing with the reality that there's still so much about all this that he doesn't get. So much he still needs to unpack about himself.

When Axel begins talking again, those unblinking sapphire eyes are upon him, ready to face Axel's reaction to his messy spill of emotions. Axel's still edgy, uncomfortable, sounds as if he's been through the wringer with an especially persistent Heartless, but he's listening. Maybe even processing himself.

Roxas blinks at the mention of Axel's lack of clothing before remembering that being seen this way bothered Axel. He has to resist the temptation to let his gaze wander again. The following arm jiggle sets off alarm bells in his head, bringing back fears of Axel disappearing again. But the promise and the otherwise lack of resistance help Roxas cut off his negative thoughts. Axel just wants time to clear his head; he's not running. He just wants the comfort of his clothes, to feel less vulnerable in the wake of all these exposed emotions. And Roxas is kind of trapping him.

"Okay," Roxas nods, as he releases Axel's arm and draws his hand back, taking a few steps back from the dresser as well. He rubs at the back of his neck again. "Sorry about that. I should go finish my breakfast." The half-eaten bar lies on the desk, surrounded by a few stray crumbs. He's not sure if his appetite will be quite what it was earlier, but he can probably work on the bar long enough to give Axel time to decompress.

[hollabastiongirl]

“No need to be sorry,” Axel tells Roxas emphatically, shooting a weak smile in his direction before he turns his attention back to his clothes drawer. He picks out the rest of his outfit with hands plagued by light tremors, gathering pants and socks and underwear into his bundle before he heads to the bathroom on swift feet. The very second the door is firmly shut behind him he releases a shuddering sigh, shoulders hunching nearly to his ears as he folds in on himself.

“Stupid,” he groans, the whispered word cracking straight down the middle. “So, so stupid.”

He can’t remember the last time he felt like such a dumbass. The last time he felt so disgusted with himself, to the point where he can hardly stand to look in the cloudy bathroom mirror. “What the hell was that?” he hisses lowly as he eventually does, glaring at the wan face reflecting back at him. “You really messed up, you know. Big time. Fucking idiot.”

Roxas trusts him, and he took advantage of that. He took advantage of his best friend. Maybe he didn’t mean to, maybe he wasn’t thinking clearly, high on the heady fervor brought on by Roxas’ unexpected attention, but that’s not an excuse. He violated Roxas’ boundaries without asking, too caught up in his own selfish feelings to give that awful kiss a second thought. And right now, he hates himself a little for it.

He doesn’t have time to dwell, however. If he spends too long in here there’s no doubt that Roxas will worry, and the last thing Axel wants to do right now is disrupt the delicate balance they’ve maintained so far. That’s the only reason he managed not to jerk away back there—because while Roxas somehow isn’t upset right now even after that stupid stunt Axel pulled, any wrong move could send him plummeting over the edge. Things have been strained enough between the two of them. Axel won’t risk possibly damaging their friendship more than he already has.

With that in mind he dresses quickly, slipping on his underwear and then a pair of red and black flannel slacks, loose and comfortable. The tank gets pulled on next, Axel adjusting the straps on his arms so the cutout sleeves hang right. Then it’s just a matter of socks and his hair, quickly drying his wild red mane with a blast of heat. It goes up into a high ponytail, mostly to keep it out of his face while he’s moving about and doing chores.

Axel comes out looking far more put together than he felt going in, but on the inside he’s still shaken. He keeps the worst of it off his face though, opting for a neutral expression as he pads over to the desk and grabs himself a granola bar for breakfast. Not that he’s hungry.

“Man, I think I need to try a new brand,” he complains a few moments later around a mouthful of granola. He’s sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard, still unable to meet Roxas’ eyes as he speaks. Awkward. “These kinda suck. I’ll tell ya, though, the breakfast they serve here at Stryder’s isn’t any better. Their bagels might as well be made of cardboard. Bleh. Sorry, guess we shoulda ate out.”

Yep. So awkward.

[terribletwos]

By some miracle, Roxas manages to eat the rest of his granola bar before Axel emerges from the bathroom, though he barely tastes any of it. He can't help staring at the closed door and wondering what Axel is thinking in there. He still isn't entirely sure why Axel had been so upset about the kiss. He'd said it was "wrong" of him and "seriously not cool". But wrong how? Axel had expected him to be upset. At first, he had thought Axel felt guilty about being attracted to him when Roxas couldn't really reciprocate. But Roxas had said it was fine. Why wasn't that enough to reassure him?

Maybe there was something else bugging him. Was it because he acted without making sure Roxas was ready? They had talked about that before, that Roxas did better with more time to process physical actions so that they didn't overwhelm him. And the kiss definitely overwhelmed him. But Axel had barely given him a chance to register the kiss before pulling away so he couldn't have known that, right? Maybe he just assumed it had happened anyway.

Those curiosities are scattered upon Axel's sudden reappearance. It's hard to believe how amazing he looks, with dark clothing practically draped over his shoulders chest like a slow wave. And his hair seems much less wild swept up into that high ponytail, giving Axel an oddly mature look. It also allows for a more pronounced slender shape for his neck, looking almost delicate when freed from the backdrop of Axel's spiky mane.

He realizes he's probably been staring too long when Axel goes for his own granola bar and quickly lowers his gaze to a much less interesting whorl on the table. Roxas hears him settle back onto the bed and grumble about the granola. He didn't find them that bad actually.

"Maybe we could pick up something before the beach," he offers tentatively, unsure whether Axel really cares about the food or is just still frazzled and needs something to his frustration out on. He brushes away some stray crumbs. "I mean, if you still want to go." It's hard to tell with the mood Axel has seemed to fallen into.

This sucks. Not long ago, they had been talking about cuddling in bed some more and joking about Roxas' ability to take the lead in that activity. And now it's like Axel is unsure how to even act around him anymore. He thought kisses were supposed to be a good thing. What is he missing?

He starts picking at a loose splinter in the table. "I was thinking while you were getting dressed. I realized I never really asked why you were so upset. I just wanted you to stop panicking. And I thought it might have something to do with your feelings. But I probably should've asked you first."

[hollabastiongirl]

“Sure,” Axel agrees with a noncommittal half-shrug. He’s not hungry and probably won’t be for awhile, stomach in knots the way it is, but he won’t begrudge Roxas the opportunity to expand his palate. He’s not planning on backing out of the trip, either, though he can understand why Roxas seems hesitant to speak of it. He’s acting cagey as hell, fingers of the hand not holding his granola bar drumming against his thigh in agitation. He can’t sit still. “I still want to go, okay? Don’t worry.”

Easier said than done, he knows. He’s being moody and withdrawn, the complete opposite to his earlier disposition. He’s probably giving Roxas emotional whiplash, ricocheting from one extreme to the other, but it’s still very difficult for Axel not to get swept up in the current of his emotions. They’re overpowering. Overwhelming. It’s as if he’s only been half-alive since his return, and the events of yesterday kickstarted his heart back into its full capabilities.

It’s throwing him the fuck off.

The sound of something repeatedly scratching against a wood surface breaks Axel from his circling thoughts and his half-hearted attempt at eating breakfast both. What is that? When he finally glances up to find the source, it doesn’t take long for his eyes to land on Roxas. Sulky and adorable with his eyes hooded and his lips pursed, he’s picking apart a splinter on the desk with his nail rather vindictively. He begins to speak just as Axel thinks to ask what’s wrong, the words that hit Axel’s ears causing his heart to pick up an erratic tempo in its nervousness. This is it. This is what he’s been dreading.

Only what Roxas actually says isn’t exactly what he’d expected.

“Why I was upset?” Axel repeats, perplexed. That’s not the question he was prepared for. Why did you kiss me, yes. What did that even mean, sure. But why were you upset? Completely unexpected. It leaves him stumped and staring, brows furrowed in confusion. There’s a bitter taste in his mouth as he frowns, trying to come up with something to say past the unpleasant burn of guilt in his throat. Nothing comes up. He’s floundering.

Why was he upset? The real reason, beyond just worrying for Roxas’ virtue and feeling like a dick for stealing his first kiss when he hardly even understands what kissing means (not that that’s not plenty of reason to be upset all by itself). There’s more to it than that.

“I…didn’t want to mess this up.” Axel chooses his words carefully as he works through his own tangled line of thinking, keeping his tone soft and even. “Us. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and I thought that I might’ve scared you off. That you might not want to be friends anymore because of my, uh, feelings for you. I wasn’t…I wasn’t really planning on telling you about them. At least not yet. The kiss, it just happened. I wasn’t thinking. So when I realized what I did…”

He shakes his head and sighs, ripping his eyes away from Roxas to glare at the crumbs of granola sticking to his pants instead. He’s gotta say it all. Even if he doesn’t want to. Just do it. Get it over with. “And anyway,” he continues aloud morosely, “you don’t really understand these things yet. Crushes, kisses. It was shitty of me to put this on you now, before you’ve even had a real chance to get out there. I feel like a fucking asshole. Like I—took advantage of you because you don’t know any better.”

His hands are trembling again, fuck. When did he become such a little bitch? Axel tosses the half-eaten granola bar into the trash bin beside the bed and crosses his arms, attempting to hide their tremors. He can’t hide his expression anymore, though. The way its pinched with guilt and fear and self-inflicted pain.

“This is just…it’s all really complicated, Rox. You might not understand how badly I fucked up, but I do. I’m sorry.”

[terribletwos]

Roxas stops picking at the splinter and half-turns when Axel confirms that he still wants to go out. He gives Axel an appraising look, half-wondering whether Axel might be forcing himself for his sake. As much as Roxas wants to share the beach with Axel and Xion, it won't be the same if Axel's heart isn't in it, metaphorically speaking. He wants them all to have fun, to dive as enthusiastically into this new life, as if it were part of the tumultuous waves that always call to him.

Axel's repetition of his question does little to settle these doubts, especially with his utterly baffled reaction. As if he hadn't even given himself time to really consider the reason. Had he just been pushing through everything after Roxas cut off his apologies? Doing all he could to keep up with the pace of Roxas' assumptions and explanations while never having a chance to process his own feelings? He really should have asked Axel this question sooner...

Roxas blinks at the first answer Axel gives. Why would he think someone else's feelings would scare him? Especially Axel's. All he's ever wanted was Axel to be honest with him. What could be more honest than this?

Even if the kiss had been a lot to take in.

Roxas gives an awkward scoff. "It takes a lot more than a kiss to scare me, Axel. I'm not about to stop being your friend over something like that." If they could get over the months of lying and then trying to kill each other, a kiss is nothing. "Besides, I like your feelings. I like hearing about them. Why would this be any different?"

Then comes the rest of Axel's explanation and Roxas feels his shoulders tighten at those four painful words, as a frown passes over his lips. It's true, he knows it's true. He doesn't understand. He doesn't understand love or kissing or dating and where did crushes even come from? Axel knows all these things. Had probably experienced all of them too. He's just a naïve Nobody pretending he can be human.

Axel keeps going, talking about putting his feelings on Roxas without giving Roxas a chance to experience things, saying he took advantage of him because Roxas didn't know better. Telling him he doesn't even understand how badly Axel fucked up. Because how could he? He's barely lived for two years. How can he understand anything Axel was feeling?

His friend's trembling form fades from view as a red haze falls over Roxas' eyes, marring his face in pain and frustration.

"Stop saying I don't understand!" he snaps, as he digs his nails into the table. "I know that! I know I don't know all the things you do. But that doesn't mean I'm—made of glass or something! That if put your feelings on me, it'll mess me up forever. I'm glad you kissed me! Because now I know why you've been acting so weird around me and you don't have to do it anymore!" His tone loses some of its harshness, as his body seems to deflate and his expression becomes more desperate and pleading. "You can just be yourself, like when we were joking and having fun earlier. You were happy. I heard it. What's so wrong with that? How can just being yourself be fucked up?"

He turns away again, folding his arms to press against the roiling in his stomach. "And who says I want to get out there? What if I want to experience these things with you? Nobody's ever going to be as important to me as you and Xion anyway. I don't want them to be."

He's sure the last part comes across as plain stubbornness, and he doesn't care. Making new friends is fine, but it will never be the same as what he has with them. How could it? They're connected in ways nobody else could ever hope to match.

"So stop saying you fucked up. It's not like that for me." His face remains turned away from Axel. "You have no idea how it feels to know you actually see me... like that." Like I was a regular human. "I don't want to hear you hate yourself for it."

[hollabastiongirl]

“Because it is different,” Axel mutters quietly, though he doesn’t elaborate on his meaning. Roxas doesn’t understand—can’t, for reasons not his own fault—and trying to explain how knowing someone feels that way about you can easily and irreversibly damage a friendship probably wouldn’t do anyone any favors here. Nor can he explain that sometimes, even if both people feel the same way about each other, everything can still fall apart to the point of ruin.

It’s a sobering reminder that the gap in their experiences is a black, yawning maw, wide enough to swallow them whole if they’re not careful. Axel hadn’t been careful a moment ago, obviously. He’d thrown care and caution to the wind when he leaned down to press a kiss against the soft skin of Roxas’ lips, disregarding all semblance of logic and reason that told him what a bad idea it was, and now he’s paying for it. Because Roxas doesn’t understand. Roxas can’t. Axel is the one that knows better.

He’s the one that knows exactly how even the sweetest taste of love can poison a friendship if it doesn’t work out, no matter how you try and salvage the remains.

Is that it? he wonders quietly to himself, even as he says something completely different aloud. Axel barely hears himself as he talks, too caught up in the revelation happening within the chaotic confines of his head to pay his distant words any mind. What is he even saying? Shit about feeling like an asshole or something? Is that why I’ve felt so fucking terrified ever since I realized I…have feelings for Roxas? Because of what happened with Isa…?

Axel is jerked suddenly away from his inner musings by Roxas’ sharp outburst, wide eyes jumping to attention as Roxas unloads all of his palpable frustration in words coated with harshness and desperation. He’s pissed, and he’s got a lot to say. Axel listens silently even as Roxas’ anger deflates and gives way to pleading, even as he turns away and folds in on himself, stubbornly insisting he doesn’t care to get closer to anyone besides Axel and Xion anyway.

He says not a word as Roxas admonishes him, then breaks his fucking heart with the implication that he thinks Axel being attracted to him is some sort of miracle. As if he’s any less human than everyone else just because he wasn’t technically born that way. As if Axel could look at him and see anything other than his beautiful heart laid bare, struggling to find a place in this vast, indifferent universe.

There’s nothing more human than that.

“I don’t hate myself for being attracted to you,” Axel clarifies gently, finally breaking his rigid silence. He hopes the soft lure of his voice will be enough to draw the brilliant blue of Roxas’ eyes back to him, wanting desperately to meet them so Roxas can see the sincerity reflecting in his own, but he’ll soldier on regardless. “I would never regret that. You’re an amazing person, Roxas, and it’s no wonder at all that I…have feelings for you. But listen…the way things went down just now? That’s not okay. You’re not made of glass but you are my best friend, and you deserve a hell of a lot more respect than what I just showed you.”

Roxas deserves so much. Probably more than Axel will ever be able to give him. But he can start with this—an apology. An explanation, or at least as much of one as he can give. He’s not ready to direct the conversation toward himself yet. Not prepared to talk about all the ways he’s convinced himself these past ten years that love is a dangerous game not worth playing when it can so easily blow up in your face. Maybe he’ll get there one day, but not today.

For now he says, “So I’m sorry. The problem isn’t how I feel, it’s what I did about those feelings. I shouldn’t have. Because I am happy, just hanging out with you like this. Anything else can—should—wait until we’re both ready. Okay?”

[terribletwos]

It takes a moment for Roxas to turn back, still fighting back the pricks of frustrated tears behind his eyes. Tears that he shouldn't be ashamed of because isn't he supposed to feel grateful to shed them at all. But right now they're nothing more than reminders of the enormous gaps in his comprehension. Gaps that mean Axel has to keep making accommodations for his lack of experience, that mean he can barely keep up with all the feelings he's felt just in the last few days. Gaps that make him feel broken.

He knows it's not Axel's fault, that Axel is just trying to be a good friend, trying to explain the way the stupid world works. But that anger and despair simply have nowhere else to go. He doesn't know how to hold back his emotions, he never learned, never had emotions to hold back before. It's like he's just along for the ride, helpless as every emotion yanks him in a different direction. He feels dizzy and even a little sick.

But those words cast a spell, offering acceptance and an honesty he can't bring himself to second guess this time. Reassurance that it's not the feelings Axel is beating himself up over. Even if the real reason still seems a puzzle he can't solve, no matter how Axel tries to explain it. Something about respect. It still feels like a half-answer.

He's facing Axel, as his best friend continues, breathing carefully to keep his earlier tears at bay, as remnants of shame linger in that hard gaze. His brow furrows at another apology. Axel never used to apologize to him, and now it seems like it's almost become a habit. He doesn't like it, doesn't want to be the cause of some ongoing guilt. But he keeps himself from yelling at Axel over it. He's the one who asked Axel why he was upset after all. What's the point of asking if he's not going to let him talk? The last thing he wants to do is make Axel feel worse about everything.

As worked up as he is, hearing Axel talk about being happy just being with him still makes his heart beat faster and his look soften. It's seriously distracting. Should he be annoyed by that? At least his chest feels less tight, although the feeling that he's on the verge of tears still hasn't gone away.

"Anything else can—should—wait until we’re both ready. Okay?”

Ready? What does even mean? Ready for what? How do you even get ready for kissing?

"How does it usually work?" he finds himself asking without thinking about it, his eyes reflecting that intense curiosity. "Kissing. If the way you did it was wrong, what's the right way? Are you supposed to ask first or something?" What is he missing about Axel's reaction? "You keep talking about being ready. How do you know when you're ready?"

Is there a certain feeling he should be having? Something more than wanting to feel the warmth of Axel's skin beneath his fingers, feel Axel's lanky arms around him or hear that soothing heartbeat at his ear? More than wanting to experience the brush of those lips again so he could actually parse through the fireworks their touch had left in his brain? What's he supposed to be looking for?

He releases a discontent sigh. "I don't mind waiting. I just... want to know what I'm waiting for."

[hollabastiongirl]

Roxas’ questions don’t come as a surprise. His curiosity is a burning thing, hungry and alive, ready to consume whatever information people are willing to give. (Axel has always loved (and occasionally hated) that about Roxas—how even in the beginning, fresh from oblivion and nearly as blank as untouched snow, the embers of his curiosity had smoldered. How despite all of the warnings and demands from everyone around him to just shut up and use the keyblade, to fall in line like a good little foot soldier and blindly follow orders, Roxas had yearned to understand. To know. To be.

How could Axel have ever believed he was as heartless as the rest of them?)

Still, between the sight of unshed tears swimming in the blue of Roxas’ eyes and the intense way they regard him, curious and fond and annoyed all at once, Axel’s a bit thrown off. So expected or not, the questions catch him off guard. He opens his mouth once but pauses. Closes it. Opens it, pauses again with a sigh, and tries for grin but lands somewhere around a weak grimace instead. “Those are…some pretty loaded questions,” he explains hastily, hoping to stave off any irritation at his sudden inability to convert his thoughts into actual words. Axel is probably irritated enough at himself for the both of them. “It’s not really as simple as all that. It’s—Well…”

Groaning softly, he rubs at the back of his neck with a palm slightly damp from nervous sweat. Ugh, gross. Whatever. He ignores it.

“Okay. Just…hold on.” Adjusting his position so that he’s now sitting more comfortably, cross-legged near the end of the bed, Axel steels himself. This definitely isn’t going to be what Roxas wants to hear, hence the nerves, but it needs to be said. Axel can’t bullshit this; can’t make up some arbitrary answer that might not even hold true for anyone but himself. Roxas deserves to know the truth, no matter how reluctant Axel is to give it to him. No matter how unhappy he may be to hear it. “Listen. I can’t really tell you how you know when you’re ready. It’s different for everybody, y’know? Like boundaries, like attraction. All that stuff is up to you to figure out. You’re the only one that can decide how you feel, and there’s no one ‘right’ way to do it.

“And about the kiss…” He sighs again, uncaringly pulling free a few strands of wild red hair from his ponytail as he scratches awkwardly at the back of his head. “There’s not exactly a ‘right’ way to go about that either, but at the very least, both parties should consent to it and be aware of what’s happening.” Axel winces, chagrined by his own words. He really flubbed that. “That’s not to say that you always have to ask before you kiss someone. Kinda depends on how close you are to a person. If you know them well enough to read their body language. Like if you’re in an established relationship, you can generally tell just by physical signs when your partner is okay with being kissed and when they’re not.”

At least that’d been Axel’s experience as Lea. He could always tell when Isa wanted a kiss (or something more), the hungry gleam in his eyes a dead giveaway. He sometimes looked at Lea like he wanted to swallow him whole.

Shivering uncomfortably at the unfortunately timed memory of Isa’s bedroom eyes, Axel clears his throat to shake it off. “Anyway. I wish I had a better answer for you, Rox, but the truth is there’s no easy answer for any of it. How it works, how you’re supposed to feel, how you know when you’re ready. It depends on the people doing the kissing.”

[terribletwos]

Various expressions of confusion pass over Roxas' face as Axel works through his answer. It would almost be humorous the way Axel opens and closes his mouth over and over again before failing at his trademark grin. If it weren't for the yearning for answers that's eating Roxas up inside, making him restless. He half considers getting up and walking around to release some of that pent up energy, but he's pretty sure pacing will just put Axel more on edge.

He wants to take some comfort in the fact that Axel's struggles with words might mean that Axel finds all this at least a little bit as confusing as he does. But it's more likely Axel's just trying to figure out how to put things in a way he has enough context to understand. Which is probably a semi-impossible task in of itself.

"It's not really as simple as all that."

Why? He wants to scream it. Why can't Axel just tell him how the feeling is different than anything else? How's he supposed to tell one intense feeling from the next when every other one is entirely new to him? Why can't Axel just tell him how it feels for him?

"All the stuff is up to you to figure out." Great. He's doing a totally awesome job of that so far. Because the only thing he feels is achingly unsatisfied. He turns back to the table again, glaring into the wood, and grips at his loose shorts, needing to take his irritation out on something. They're much softer than his usual pants and barely provide any resistance.

But Axel's mention of the kiss calls him back. He looks up in time to see some of Axel's hair escape its bindings and finds himself momentarily entranced by Axel's slightly more disheveled appearance, shattering the image of maturity Roxas had previously attributed to the look.

"Consent?" he murmurs. It's true that he had no idea what was happening at the time. The kiss had seemed to come out of nowhere. He's not even sure what he had been doing before the kiss anymore. Trying to reassure Axel about forgetting his clothes? He'd said something about liking the chance to see all of Axel, right? Had that triggered something in Axel?

Now Axel is talking about more confusing things like body language and physical signs. With no explanation of what any of those should look like, of course. It doesn't help that Axel is starting to look more uncomfortable about this entire topic, given the shiver that just occurred. Maybe because it's like he says, it depends on the people and Roxas still doesn't know the first thing about being one.

But the idea of "consent" rattles around in Roxas' mind. That almost makes it sound like the real sticking point is knowing someone wants something. It's somewhere to start...

"So... if someone said they wanted it, then it would be okay, right?" he asks cautiously. Predicting Axel's reaction, based on how he's been about everything else, Roxas hastily adds, "I'm not saying I do—I don't know. Everything's still really confusing. But... that's what you mean, right? You both have to feel like you... want to kiss. Then nothing's fucked up." Why does saying it out loud make his throat feel tighter and his palms feel wet against his shorts? He rubs them against the soft cottony fabric.

[hollabastiongirl]

Axel hums a quiet agreement to the muttered word ‘consent,’ taking a moment to let down his hair and comb through it with fingers as long and slender as the rest of him. Between this slightly stressful conversation and how tightly he’d inadvertently tied his ponytail, a dull ache is beginning to pound against his temples in unpleasant drumbeats. He hisses softly as he rubs at one with his knuckles, though he resists the urge to screw his eyes shut in pain. He doesn’t want to worry Roxas further.

He’s caused enough trouble already, and it’s not even 9 AM. Must be a new record.

So Axel fights through it. Finishes his explanation, watches with subtly narrowed eyes as Roxas digests the information given. Tries not to get waylaid by the way Roxas looks bathed in the strips of soft morning light that are spilling through the cracks between curtains and windowsill. He’s fucking radiant, beautiful, the incandescence of a star made human, almost shining too brightly to look at.

It’s extremely distracting. Blinding. So much so that it takes a moment to register that Roxas is speaking again, asking him a follow-up question about the nature of consent. Blinking away his stupor, Axel leans back with his arms braced on the bed behind him, head cocking slightly to the side as he considers how to answer. The hasty way Roxas expands on his thoughts is a little perplexing, but Axel chalks it up to standard Awkward Conversation bullshit and lets it go without comment, trying not to smirk too widely at the sound of yet another curse coming from the mouth of his typically very innocent best friend. Oops. He’s been quite the bad influence on Roxas, hasn’t he? Probably he ought to watch his language. He might, if it wasn’t so amusing to hear Roxas swear.

No one could ever accuse him of being mature.

“Pretty much,” Axel says with a slow nod, giving himself a second to fully process all that Roxas said. “It’s a good start, anyway, both people wanting to kiss. There’s other stuff to consider, too. Like what each person wants out of the kiss; fling, relationship, whatever. Things can get fucked up if one person wants more of a relationship than the other.” Or, say, if one person slowly turns into a cold-hearted asshole that wants you to give up your own heart and follow him into a cult corporation of emptiness. That can certainly fuck things up. “It can get messy if you get involved with someone without really knowing what you want. That’s why it’s important to try and figure stuff out before the kissing. That’s why what I did was…bad.”

So bad. Awful. Not only because of Roxas’ relative naivety, but because Axel isn’t completely sure of himself either. He’s not certain he can take the risk of another failed relationship, of love turning sour, of sweetness curdling into a bitterness that is forever on the back of his tongue when he thinks of Isa. If something like that happened with Roxas…if they tried and failed and it damaged their friendship that way…

He can’t even bear to think about it.

So he doesn’t. He won’t. He pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind with a little shrug, pivoting his focus firmly back to the present. There’s no use in worrying about a future so bleak when Roxas doesn’t know how he feels yet. He might not even be interested in Axel romantically when he does figure things out. They’ll just have to wait and see. They’ve got time now, and while the future is an unknown horizon, terrifying in its uncertainty, Axel is very, very grateful to have one.

“Hey, Rox.” Axel abruptly leans forward again to better meet those big blue eyes, a soft and successful smile curling his lips despite the steadily increasing pain of an oncoming migraine. “Don’t let it get to you too much, okay? I know it’s frustrating to not understand things, but trust me, even people who’ve lived longer than I have get confused about all this emotional crap. Feelings are confusing. For everyone, not just you.”